Saturday, April 22, 2017

The Forum - Vol. 203 - Spanking in Anger

 Know what? Bitches get stuff done. - Tina Fey

Hello all. Welcome back to the Forum. Our weekly gathering of me and women who are participating or interested in Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationships.  I hope you had a great week.

I find myself pretty tired at the end of mine.  Work has been insane, my sleep patterns are once again all out of whack, and here I am on a Saturday morning, awake at an insanely early hour for no reason. Spankings aren't really stress relievers for me, but right now I kind of wish they were.  This morning's insomnia resulted from residual anger about something that happened at work yesterday, which leads me to this week's topic.

In the last couple of weeks there have been some comments about anger, i.e. do or should our Disciplinary Wives spank in anger.  Marisa extended it a little and talked about being bitchy during a spanking, hence the quote above, which I've posted before but it's one that's worth repeating.  Merry, on the other hand, says she never spanks in anger. 

My wife is somewhere in the middle.  She rarely spanks in the heat of the moment, but on some occasions her frustration is still pretty palpable as she swings her paddle or strap.

Personally, I like it when my wife displays emotion before or during a spanking.  I think it is part of her learning to express her emotions and gain the confidence to say what she means.  I want her to know that it is OK to hurt not just my bottom but my feelings, because it may be that the reason I am bent over getting by bottom strapped or paddled is because I hurt hers.  During our last spanking, she lectured me while I was facing away from her, and I think that gave her the freedom to cut loose a little more than usual, and that in turn helped me get into a more submissive mindset.  Also, my ego is pretty strong, and I need more than just a cold, clinical application of the paddle to break down my defenses and really accept accountability. It also helps me to accept her authority if she is expressing herself like she really is in charge.  So, while I do understand the need for making sure that anger is under control in order to avoid things going far, I am fine with the anger being present and openly expressed.

How about you? Do you prefer "all business," or are displays of anger and emotion something that helps establish your roles or help you get to the emotional state  you need.

 I hope you have a great week.  If you are new to this Forum, please go to the Guestbook (tab above) and take a moment to tell us about yourself and your Domestic Discipline or FLR relationship or aspirations.


Saturday, April 15, 2017

The Forum - Vol. 202 - Too Hard

"Some people have to learn the hard way."

Hello all.  Welcome back to The Forum.  Our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or interested in being in, Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationships.

I hope you all had a great week.  I added a comment to last week's topic that addressed a real life spanking I received last week.   I don't do that a lot, but this one raised an issue that I thought might make a good topic, because this one may have forced us to think a little bit more about how she can be the most effective in bringing about what we both want, which is making me feel genuinely repentant about what I've done and really changing behavior. 

From the beginning, we have taken Domestic Discipline seriously.  Though it clearly has erotic overtones, it isn't part of a kinky game for us.  We have a lot of commenters on here, with relationships that seem to run the gamut from spanking as "funishment," i.e. not really discipline at all, to someone like Fred for whom it is pure discipline with no real erotic or D/s overtones.  On that spectrum, until a year or so ago we were pretty close to Fred's end of the spectrum. DD was more of an event than a lifestyle, and there wasn't a real fundamental change in the power structure.  That has changed this year, with DD more of one tool in a broader FLR lifestyle.  But, the goal really did remain to make me pay a price for bad behavior such that I would be less likely to do it again.

My earliest exposure to Domestic Discipline reinforced that the starting place regarding severity should be, "The harder you spanking him, the more he will love you for it."  And, I still believe there is a lot of truth in that. I also believe that if it isn't really hard, and designed to push him not only to his limits but somewhat beyond them, then is it really punishment?  If it's something you can easily take, then how are you really being punished?
This year, however, I began to have a glimmer of doubt about the "harder is always better" premise.  The doubt was a result of real experience.  Despite doing this for over a decade, one thing I have never yet been able to do is get to a real catharsis, where I just let it go and cry.  Many long-term readers know that tears are something of a fixation for me where DD is concerned, probably because I think it would be good for me to get there, and so far I just can't find the right prescription to to do it.  I do think that severity plays a role in it, and that the instrument needs to be effective enough and the spanking long enough for there to be any hope of reaching the threshold for real tears.  While I've always known that was only part of the prescription, however, it has been only recently that I started seeing the extent to which it not only is not sufficient, it may actually impede the process.

Over the last year, I think we have gone about as far as we can on the "hard instruments" piece of this, and it's really that part that I am rethinking.  Last year I bought three different rubber straps, which I've talked about  in some prior posts.  Two of them in particular are just incredibly, severely painful.  If anything could take me to a point of tears, you would think those would do it.  Yet, I started to suspect that they not only weren't getting me closer, but were but were actually impeding that cathartic, let it all go point of sobbing that I've been both terrified of and morbidly fascinated by for years.  The problem is, those tools hurt so much, that I just cannot give into the process and reach any point of actual submission or surrender when she is strapping me with them.  My mind becomes so singly fixated on just trying to get through it, that there is just no way for me to give in.  I not only do not surrender, I become more resistant to surrendering.  

I really noticed this during our spanking last week. I had gone into with a very conscious intent to be truly repentant, surrendering to a spanking I truly deserved.  She began with her favorite leather strap, and she showed no mercy with it.  It hurt a lot, and I was trying really hard to just give in to the whole experience and NOT take it like a man.  I really felt like I was getting close to being able to just let go and start sobbing.  But, then she switched to one of the rubber straps.  The sharpness of the pain was so much worse, my resistance just skyrocketed.  There was just no way to mentally do anything but resist.  She then went to the thinnest of our three rubber straps, and it too hurt like hell but also wrapped around to catch my hip as much as my bottom. When she switched the side from which she was swinging, she discovered that the end of the strap had been literally cutting into the side of my hip, which brought the whole session to a close.

That session verified for both of us that the notion of severity and 'how much is enough" has some nuances.  I do believe that a disciplinary spanking does need to be more than I can take, but it may be as much or more about duration than severity of each swat.  For me, there seems to be some sweet spot where it hurts a lot, but not so much that my defenses become impossible to surmount.

Any thoughts on this?  Do your spankings reach a point where it just too much to bear?  When that happens, is reaching that state good in that it is at that point that you actually give in and surrender or hit that point of total catharsis or submission? Or, does "take it like a man" kick in so strongly that you can't overcome it?  Are there tools you have used that you have determined really are just too much for a disciplinary spanking such that they become counterproductive? 

I hope you all have a great week. If you are new to our Forum, please visit our Guestbook (tab above) and take a moment to tell us about yourself and your Domestic Discipline or FLR lifestyle or aspirations.

Saturday, April 8, 2017

The Forum - Vol. 201 - What Goes on in That Head . . .

“The heaviest penalty for declining to rule is to be ruled by someone inferior to yourself.”  - Plato, The Republic

Hello all.  Welcome back to The Forum.  Our weekly gather of men and women who are participating or positively interested in being in Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationships.

I hope you all had a great week.  Mine started off great, then degenerated.  I said last week that I had made some adjustments after a string of self-destructive behaviors.  It worked and worked well for almost two weeks, then kind of fell apart a couple of days ago.  And, basically the same pattern.  I had every intention of continuing my streak of positive behavior. Then, as I was leaving work I stopped to grab "one drink" with a colleague who wanted to talk about something.  Then some other people from work joined us, and the next thing you know it was three hours later. It wasn't that big a deal, but it did mean my wife was royally pissed off at me for coming home late, and after making some real progress in getting my energy and mood straightened out, I definitely lost some ground.  But, I'm trying.   I fell of the methaphorical horse and now will try to get back on again.  I'm also sitting around today wondering if she is going to order a hard spanking as a fitting consequence for this stumble.  While I really, really don't want one, I can't say that I don't deserve it.  It's also been more than a month since my last one, so if it does happen I know it is going to be extraordinarily painful.

Update: She did let me know earlier today that I will be getting one. As she put it, "A very long, very hard strapping and paddling" tonight. And, of course, my attitude has instantly swung from knowing that I need one and kind of welcoming the accountability, to hoping something happens to interfere with her plans. That's the way it always is with real spankings -- we ask for them, either literally or through our preventable behavior, then once one is ordered we would do anything to get out of it.  It has been long enough between sessions, I know this one is going to hurt so much!  But, I also do know that I deserve one like this.  Though, that doesn't make it any easier to take at the time.

This week's topic comes from CrimsonKing.  He suggested we had we haven't really explored the issue of what exactly is going on in a man's head during a spanking.  That's probably true.  While we've explored why we want to be disciplined, and how we felt after it is over, I'm not sure we have ever had a topic devoted to what he (and she) are thinking during the event itself.

I also had a hard time finding any appropriate art work.  Interestingly, almost everything I found in my collection that seemed to depict his thoughts during the spanking itself seemed to have something to do with "bringing out the boy" themes.

While it's possible that is more a reflection of my own choice in artwork than what is available out there, I don't think so, as I tend to save just about anything with a F/m spanking theme and tend to keep anything depicting spanking kids only if it is, in fact, clear that it is actually an adult being spanked but it makes him feel like a boy again.

But, in any event, what is going on in your mind during the actual event?  Counting the strokes?  Apologizing and swearing to yourself you'll never do THAT again ("that" being whatever you did for the hundredth time that put you in this position again, like me stopping to have that drink with a colleague)?  Or, do you get into some kind of "subspace" or become relaxed or meditative (something I have a hard time imagining, as "relaxed" is the last thing I am during the event).

I also don't want to leave out the ladies, though here I came up with zip for artwork focusing on their thought process during a spanking.  I did find a few, however,  that focused on what she might be thinking when considering giving him one.

So, let's do broaden it out a little where the question to our Disciplinary Wives is concerned. What are you thinking about immediately before his spanking or as you are considering ordering one.

Are you angry or disappointed?

Or, something more positive or titillating?

Excited?  Empowered?

Does it feel like a chore, or do you think of it more like a welcome opportunity to express your views and clear the air?
I hope you all have a great week.  If this is your first time visiting our group, please take a few minutes to visit our Guestbook (tab above) and tell us a little bit about your DD or FLR lifestyle or desires.

Monday, April 3, 2017

Comment Moderation Back On

All, sorry for the inconvenience, but my blog seems to have been targeted by someone advertising "escort service." Content moderation will stay up until they or their bot lose interest.  Sorry for the inconvenience.

Friday, March 31, 2017

The Forum - Vol. 200 - Humbling & Controlling

Women speak two languages — one of which is verbal. ~William Shakespeare

Hello all.  Welcome back to The Forum - our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or interested in being in, a Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationship.  I'm posting a little early because I am going to be tied up with other things tomorrow.

I hope you all had a good week. At least mine was not a repeat of the preceding one.  Work was still a little crazy and, as predicted, there was too much family stuff going on for my wife to take care of my infractions from the previous week--which I soooooooo richly deserve to happen--but I managed to avoid repeating, or bettering, the crescendo of self-destructive behavior that occurred this time last week.  So, I guess from time to time I am actually capable of getting myself in check even without her paddle doing it for me.  Though, it did solidify my belief that we really need to continually work on ways to reinforce her status and authority, while holding me more strictly accountable.  

In that vein, last week I included a link to a blog posting by J. Girl in which she talks about what she believes to be three phases of a Dominant/submissive relationship.  While I realize many of this blog's readers don't consider themselves to be in such relationships and are comfortable with Domestic Discipline all by itself, I think her discussion of what she calls Stage 2 has implications for everyone who is in a genuine disciplinary relationship, i.e. one that isn't just fun and games, whether domestic discipline or some more rigorous power exchange.  She labeled this the "Make or Break" stage.  I might also call it "accepting reality" or "surrendering."  For her, it was that stage when she came to grips with the fact she really did not like to be punished.   She talked to a friend who knew about her D/s dynamic, and who observed something to the effect of, “Of course not.  You’re not supposed to like it.  You’re being punished.”  That’s so simple, right? But, also profound and instructive.  If the punishment is real, then I am not supposed to want it.  Instead, I need to have a healthy fear of not playing by the rules we have agreed to.  I have to be genuinely afraid of consequences. I need to dislike where she is taking me but accept that it is for my own good.

What I have really been struggling with -- surprisingly so, given how long we have been at this -- is acknowledging that the reason I engage in the same behaviors over and over again is because deep down inside, I like them.  But, they are bad for me.  I have too many weeks like last week. Maybe not on that scale, but it's all just a matter of degree.  Because living that way ultimately is destructive, she gets to step in and put a stop to it.  By whatever means necessary.  And, at the time, I really dislike it.  I actively resent not being able to do what I want to do.  But, that is how real discipline is supposed to work, right?  When we were spanked or grounded as kids, we didn't like or accept that someone else got to call the shots and impose consequences when we didn't follow the rules.  But, the rules -- and the consequences for breaking them -- existed to protect us, to keep us from doing harmful things to ourselves or others, and to keep us on the straight and narrow.  So, while I really struggle to accept it when she tells me, "This week you will not . . ." it is part of a process that I know is good for me in the end. Even if it is a little like skipping the plate of brownies at work and going for a run. Or, like being sent to the principal's office for a paddling you dreaded but deep down inside knew you deserved.

Now, in order to make any kind of longer term improvement a reality, I get that I need to be humbled. And she needs to be elevated.  That's the only way it will work. I am too headstrong in my current state to really comply fully and cooperatively.  She also is still developing her Power, her Voice, her Authority.  Something that we have not really explored as a couple to accomplish those things is non-verbal communication, other than the obvious - her paddling my ass long and hard when I screw up. I am talking about more subtle communications of power, on the one hand, and submission or surrender to authority on the other. There is a lot of solid research out there showing that how we carry ourselves deeply impacts how much confidence we feel.  

Confident people take up space, and do things like putting their feet up on the desk or meeting room table:

 Their posture or demeanor says, in subtle or not so subtle ways, "I am in charge."
"And you are not."

Conversely, we can adopt postures -- voluntarily or otherwise -- that emphasize that we are not the one in control.

That we recognize and, at least in that moment, accept our own place in the hierarchy. And hers as well.

With that long-winded but hopefully visually inviting introduction, I want to open up the floor to talk about . . . kneeling on it.   Kneeling, sitting at her feet, standing with hands at your sides or behind your back while she scolds or makes you await a spanking.  Positions or postures that you are required to adopt, or that you have undertaken of your own accord, to help humble you or put you in your place.  On the other end of the paddle, are there positions she adopts to show her authority or control over you?

I hope you have a great week. If you are new to this Forum, please take a moment to drop by the Guestbook (tab above) and tell us all a little about yourself and your DD relationship or aspirations.

Saturday, March 25, 2017

The Forum - Vol. 199 - Marking & Admirning

Strong women intimidate boys and excite men. -- unknown

Hello all.  Welcome back to The Forum.  Our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or interested in being in, a Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationship.

First, a shout-out to a fellow blogger who is in a DD relationship, but one of the M/f variety.  I have pointed to J Girl's blog, The Taming of the Shrew, a few times before.  Earlier this week she posted on a topic she entitled The Three Stages of a Dominant Submissive Dynamic.  I thought it was an incredibly thoughtful portrayal of some of the ups and downs that real-life DD relationships almost inevitably go through.  Though, I will have to take her word on what Stage 3 might look and feel like.  We are, at most, somewhere in Stage 2, and I don't know whether we would actually want to take it to the Stage 3 she describes.  Perhaps.  But, it's hard to say.  I can't rule it out, since it was just a year or so ago that we started going beyond DD to a deeper Female Led dynamic.

This was one of those weeks that makes me question sometimes the extent to which I really do want this kind of relationship, while at the same time affirming why I need it.  It has been a couple of really tough weeks at work.  I've been traveling constantly.  Lots of after work socializing. I also had one of the people on my team go into full-blown Drama Queen mode, requiring me to play career counselor over several beers.  My way through all this was to go way Alpha, powering through this pretty dysfunctional time by sheer force of will powered by adrenaline and caffeine, followed by a lot of bad airplane wine as a stress reliever.  For a while, I actually started thinking, "This is who I am.  Part of me likes being this way, and it makes me good at what I do.  Maybe I just need to embrace it instead of trying to balance it or contain it."  Which is all well and good, until I hit a Saturday like this where I am so tired that it really feels almost like a form of psychosis, and I realize that living like that just isn't sustainable, and eventually something is going to break or I am going to break something or someone in a way that can't be fixed.  So, as much as I really don't want to be controlled or contained right now, I know that I need to be, and that I will be healthier for it.  But, I come to this realization just as Spring Break starts, meaning kids will be underfoot almost non-stop, making it harder for her to assert herself and get me under control.  Again, real life interferes with the fantasy.

Now, on to other things.  DWC Fred posted a great comment last week, describing his DD dynamic and how he is spanked.  He noted that his spankings generally leave his bottom marked for several days.  That is this week's topic.  Do your disciplinary spankings generally leave marks, welts or bruises that last more than a few hours?

(Yes, I realize this is a female bottom, but we do have a few M/f or F/f visitors.  And, this one was just too enticing not to share.)

Is marking or "blistering" an explicit goal?

When it is over, does your Disciplinarian inspect her handiwork?

Does she take pride in the tangible evidence of a job well done?

(He will correct me if I'm wrong, but I think this one is one of our KD Pierre's pieces.  I have a link to his website over to the right.)

This is an area that has changed for us over time, not as a result of any change in the intensity of her spankings, but apparently due to a change in my physiology.  When we first started Domestic Discipline, any significant spanking would leave me very badly bruised.  That doesn't happen nearly as much now.  Even a really, really hard spanking may leave me with only a few visible marks the next day.  Interestingly, my bottom does look in bad shape immediately after the spanking, but the marks just don't last very long.  It also seems like my bottom has developed this non-bruising tolerance specifically to spanking.  I took a nasty fall a few weeks ago, and it left me literally black and blue across one cheek. 

My wife's reaction to this is also interesting.  It really didn't take her very long to get comfortable with giving a hard disciplinary spanking, and the bruising or marking has never seemed to make her squeamish.  She is very comfortable leaving visible evidence of her spanking prowess. In fact, she will sometimes make me drop my pants to show her the condition of my butt, and will express disappointment when the marking is gone a day or two later. 

I hope you all have a great week.  As always, if you are new to this Forum, please take a moment to visit the Guestbook (tab above) and tell us a little about yourself and your DD or FLR relationship or aspirations.

Saturday, March 18, 2017

The Forum - Vol. 198 - Attire

 If only my genitals didn't float when I relaxed in the bath.  And we both looked down and agreed it's stupid to be a man." - Leonard Cohen

Hello all.  Welcome back to the Forum.  Our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or interested in being in, Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationships.

I hope you had a great week.  Mine was really long and more stressful than I've had in awhile.  I was thinking back on it yesterday, and an out-of-town meeting I had on Monday seemed like it happened a month ago.  My entire team was just balls-out the entire week.  And that metaphor leads nicely into this week's topic, which was suggested by Merry's Shilo.  And, it's a pretty simple one:

When you're spanked, are you naked?  If so, are you expected to present yourself to her that way?
If undressing in front of her is part of the process, is that something you are expected to do yourself, or does she take more direct control of the disrobing process?

Or, are your spankings conducted with you at least partially clothed?
Does the amount of clothing matter based on position or location?  Such as over a bed you are naked but over a desk you are partially clothed?
How about you? What is your usual attire, or degree of lack thereof, during a spanking? What makes you feel more vulnerable - fully naked, pants off, or pants down around your ankles?  I don't have a basis for an opinion on this one, because I think all of ours have been with me totally naked.  I can't recall any that have involved pants down and around the ankles, though I could see that one actually adding some vulnerability, since it would also restrict mobility.

And, in the interests of not leaving our Disciplinary Wives out of this one, do you dress in any special way when delivering a spanking, or when you want to send a strong message about who is in control?

I hope you all have a great week.

Saturday, March 11, 2017

The Forum - Vol. 197 - Females Spanked

I can no longer obey.  I have tasted command, and I cannot give it up.  - Napoleon Bonaparte

Hello all.  Welcome back to The Forum. Our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or interested in being in, Domestic Discipline or FLR relationships.

Some of you may have seen a slightly different version of this week's post.  Blogger was doing some funky things with the fonts, and I couldn't figure out how to fix it, so I'm starting over.  I guess I can't gripe too much about a free tool.

As I said in the first version, I'm having another kind of uninspired week.  I think DD and FLR relationships, at least ones that are a work in progress (and aren't they all), all have their ebbs and flows.  We are kind of in an ebb right now.  Life is very busy for both of us.  I always travel a lot for business, and she also has been traveling a bit lately.  That always seems to impose a real headwind.  I also feel like I hit a saturation point on DD in general a few days ago.  Not practicing it, but thinking about it, blogging about it, engaging with trolls trying to post stupid, repetitive fantasies about it.  Honestly, I just sort of lost interest.  Today started that way.  I thought about taking a break, but decided to try to switch it up instead.

But, this week's topic is not about "switching" per se.  It's really the flipside of some of the discussions we've had about origins.  We've talked about whether the Disciplined Husbands in the group were spanked as kids and what influence that may have had on their interest in DD later in life.  Something we have not talked about, however, is whether our Disciplinary Wives were spanked as kids, or whether they witnessed spankings in the home, and whether those early experiences had any impact on their later interest in, or at least openness to, adult discipline and FLR.

So, ladies, how about it?

Were you yourself subject to some maternal discipline at home?
Were you yourself on the receiving end of some of Mom's "head of household" control and correction? In an aside that may or may not be interesting or telling, while I don't remember getting spanked very often myself as a boy, I do remember an older sister getting spanked, both at home . . .

and at school.  And, in our home, getting spanked at school definitely meant another at home.  How about for any of you ladies?  Spanked at school?  Spanked again at home?

Maybe you and a sibling were both subject to a spanking for some jointly engaged-in bad behavior? (Though I'm not sure that is what this drawing is meant to depict.)

 Maybe you witnessed a brother get one, or about to get one?

Or, maybe you were aware of F/m punishment and FLR earlier than some of us because you witnessed it at home or were aware it was going on?

What impact do you think these early spanking experiences had on your openness to giving a disciplinary spanking as an adult?  And, let's expand a bit beyond spanking.  How did the disciplinary environment you grew up in, whether including spanking or not, influence your interest in or openness to Domestic Discipline or Female Leadership?

I am glad that I did decide to blog this week instead of taking a break. As I went through the exercise, I felt the interest level rising a bit.  Some of it may be the visuals involved.  I sometimes struggle to find good drawings that illustrate a particular topic, but that is partially because there is such a dearth of good F/m art out there that depicts any real male vulnerability, fear, remorse, etc.  The ability to illustrate a topic with some good art opens up substantially if it involves females on the receiving end of the paddle.  

I hope you all have a great week.  As always, if you are new to this Forum, please stop by our Guestbook (see tab above) and tell us all a little about yourself and your DD or FLR relationship or aspirations.

Saturday, March 4, 2017

The Forum - Vol. 196 - Tools of the Trade

If the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.  - Abraham Maslow

Hello all. Welcome back to The Forum - Disciplined Husbands & Disciplinary Wives.  Our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or interested in being in, Domestic Discipline or Female Led relationships.

Well, we've had some fairly heavy conversations lately.  I hope I didn't burn a bunch of people out, or finally offend them to their core, but it's a bad sign when even stalwarts like Anna and Peter don't comment.  So, I'll lighten it up a little this week and go in a more practical direction.  We've done it before, but we have a lot of new folks visiting each week and, as Darren has repeatedly said, some of the couples who are newer to the Domestic Discipline lifestyle can't get enough practical advice.

So, this week, let's talk about tools.  Implements.  Those things She uses to blister our bottoms.  We've talked before about things like "most feared," but let's each talk about those implements we each get spanked, strapped, paddled, etc. with most often, and the "advantages" and "disadvantages" of each from the perspective of getting her point across.  Here are tools my wife and I have used, and my succinct thoughts on each category:
  • Hairbrush: Iconic, but basically worthless. 
  • Bath brush: Totally different animal from a hairbrush.  Hurts like a mother&%$#@! 
  • Wooden paddles:  Something for everyone.  Iconic and, unlike a hairbrush, can hurt like hell.
  • Belts: Can be effective, but she has to swing really, really hard.
  • Leather straps: Generally much more painful than a belt, ranging from mild to OMG!
  • Loopy Johnny:  Stings pretty damn badly.  Leaves welts like a cane.
  • Rubber straps: If these don't get your attention, nothing will.
  • Cane: Has never worked well for us, but I'm not sure why.
It's interesting how with some of these implements, seemingly slight changes in weight or length can make a huge difference.  Same with quality.  Like with good tools in any trade, you get what you pay for.  Looking at them in a little more depth:


Many of us probably came to DD, or were first attracted to it, when we read stories or saw drawings depicting OTK spankings with a determined woman whaling away with a wooden hairbrush.  The thing is, all those scary drawings and stories notwithstanding, it just isn't a very effective instrument.  Most women would need Amazon-like strength and stamina to make any real impression on any but the most pain-adverse misbehaving husband.

Now, one can buy real paddles in the approximate size and shape of a hairbrush.  If made from thick, heavy wood, they can be quite painful. And easy to fit in a purse those impromptu "corrections" when out on the town.

And then there is . . . the dreaded bathbrush.  I would be going weak in the knees knowing a determined and pissed off wife was walking up the stair with that in hand.

Compared to the hairbrush, it is just a different animal altogether, capable of delivering a truly painful, butt blistering experience.


Then there is the instrument that haunts many a former schoolboy or fratboy's nightmares -- the wooden paddle.  They too come in all shapes and sizes.  From small "spankers" good for OTK action and for concentrating on one cheek:

To the more fearsome "Board of Education" or "fraternity" style paddles:

After ten-plus years in this lifestyle, I'm still learning things about paddles.  I used to assume that big, heavy paddles hurt the most.  Not true.  Recently, I decided to sink some money into a couple of really nice custom paddles.  The person I ordered them from asked me right away whether it would be used by a man or a woman, because some women just can't swing a really heavy paddle with a lot of force.  It was better to go with something a little smaller (14 - 15"), not extremely thick, but made of a very hard wood.  I can testify from very painful experience, that was very wise advice.  The newer ones we are now using are much, much more painful than some of the larger paddles made from lighter (and cheaper) wood, such as ash.  One caveat with paddles -- I think they tend to be better used at the end of a long session, not at the beginning, because they can make me go numb after a while, thereby defeating the purpose of a hard disciplinary spanking.  Also, as for leather paddles -- totally worthless for anything but mild "funishment" scenes.

Leather Straps

Like paddles, leather straps come in all shapes and sizes.  For couples new to disciplinary spankings, by all means, start with a leather belt, but I think many couples graduate beyond them fairly quickly.  I realize they can be effective in some positions (face down on a bed, with a very vigorous downward swing) but many are too light, and she has to deliver a really serious swing even with heavier belts in order for it to have much real impact.

Real leather punishment straps are entirely different.  They are usually made from thick "harness" leather -- much heaver and more rigid.  The one my wife uses on me most often is similar to the 6th from the left in the picture above.  While not as "off the charts" painful as some of her other instruments, it definitely can get the job done when swung with purpose.  We did, by the way, try something like that big boy in the middle -- the long one with holes.  It's called a "prison strap."  While it is the centerpiece of one of my strongest spanking memories (early on in our DD relationship, she called me at work and ordered me to come home at lunch for a strapping, then sent me back to work to sit the rest of the afternoon on a very sore bottom), it was just too long and clumsy to handle safely and effectively.

Then there is this nasty little variant on a strap.  For those unfamiliar, it is called a "loopy johnny." They come in different varieties, including single and multiple loops and different materials.  It may not look that threatening, but it delivers the proverbial "sting like a hornets nest." Definitely not for the faint of heart.


Which brings us to . . . rubber straps.  I said last week that we had acquired some tools that left me truly dreading her spanking sessions.  A large rubber strap like the one on the left is what I was talking about.  It is just extraordinarily painful, and oddly unlike any leather strap.  The pain penetrates and radiates more than any leather strap, and it's far denser and less pliable.  It's like a very nasty cross between the flexible "sting" of a strap and the unforgiving "thud" of a thick paddle -- really the worst of both worlds. Worse yet, I find that it does not numb the bottom nearly as quickly as a wooden paddle.  If there is one tool I wish I had never bought for her, that one is it.  The one on the right is in some ways even nastier.  It has more sting and less thud, kind of like (I imagine) a really serious caning, but she largely stopped using it because it its small width had a tendency to break the skin.

Now, as I've discussed before, we have largely given up on that other most iconic punishment instrument, the cane.  While it may the bane of every English schoolboy, for some reason my wife just has not been able to figure out how to use one in a way that really hurts very much.  We're still not sure whether it is some deficiency in the canes we have tried, or some issue with her stance, swing, follow-through, etc.

Well, there is my overly long discourse on some tool options.  How do you rate those you have tried?  Are there some that are especially good at helping make her point?  Others that she shouldn't waste her time and energy?

As always, if you are new to this Forum, please go to the Guestbook (tab above) and tell us a little about your DD or FLR lifestyle or aspirations.

I hope you have a great week.

Saturday, February 25, 2017

The Forum - Vol. 195 - Confronting Reality

“Nothing quite encourages as does one's first unpunished crime.”- Marquis de Sade

Hello all.  Welcome back to the The Forum.  Our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or interested in being in, a DD or FLR lifestyle.  I hope you all had a great week.

I'll begin by admitting this is one of those weeks I am feeling kind of lazy and uninspired.  I get the feeling that some others feel the same way.  Participation seems to have tapered off a bit, other than the guy I have decided to call OCD Boy who keeps sending me comments about his wife/mother/girlfriend leg locking him during a spanking.   I strongly suspect it is the same OCD Boy who was previously all about his Mother-in-Law, since both seem to have this thing about being made to stand facing a wall.

So, since I am finding a don't have anything in particular I want to say this week, I'll try to recap and extend some themes from the last couple of weeks, and maybe just share a bit more about where my own DD relationship is these days.  When I look at where the conversations have gone, and where I am mentally and emotionally right now, I see a theme emerging around "reality."  Confronting it, managing it, and giving in to it.

A few comments last week touched on the trade-off between making spankings and punishment quick and easy versus making them meaningful and communicative. On one hand were Marissa and Anna who argued that DD takes time and attention if it is to work.  On the other hand you had Darren and me, who did not disagreed but pointed out how insanely busy and distracting ordinary life can be and the extent to which real life can get in the way even for couples who have the best of intentions.  Our concern was that if we make the spanking or punishment event too long or intricate, it is less likely to happen at all.  Marissa and Anna rightly point out, however, that ritual and duration have important roles to play in bringing home and reinforcing the reality of the relationship and of the punishment itself.

On a personal level, I came into this year thinking that, given some changes in our family arrangements, we might have more time to really focus on the DD and FLR aspects of our relationship.  It has not been the sea change that I anticipated, though we are finding a little more time alone for her to deal with issues.  We also did start trying to implement a daily reporting scheme with more immediate "on the spot" spankings, in order to try to uproot some chronic and long-running behavioral problems.  Real-life almost immediately got in the way, however, with me having a series of business trips and my wife having some of her own work distractions.  Setting those challenges aside, however, I am also finding that this idea of daily check-ins that could, if my behavior does not improve, also result in daily spankings, is very intimidating.  Particularly in conjunction with her proclivity for spanking "all out" every time, and with some newer tools that are just incredibly painful.  I am finding that even though I bought those tools with the express intention of ramping up the pain associated with each spanking, and even though I suggested the increased frequency of checking in and spanking to root out the really resistant behavior, I am really struggling to comply fully, with the struggle playing out in how reliably I self-report bad behavior.

Now, I know this is going to bring a hailstorm of criticism raining down along the lines of "If you are not going to submit, then what is the point?"  As I've said before, very easy to say if you are just naturally submissive and compliant, naturally well-behaved for the most part, or if your wife does not spank that hard.  If you happen to have that special combination, however, of stubbornness, willfulness, chronic bad habits or a job that seems to require or encourages certain excesses -- together with a wife who spanks very, very hard -- then something has to give and the temptation is often there to see what you can get away with.  Ideally, what would give is the bad behavior, but I'm finding that it is easier to just kind of slack on the self-reporting and hope that the distractions of our daily life keep her from focusing on my reporting or lack thereof.  It's also just been a particularly hard time to comply with an increasingly strict set of commands, in part because of the work travel I referred to.  It's easier for me to adjust my behavior when I'm just going about my regular job, but traveling very often involves work-related dinners or drinks and long hours, resulting in too much socializing and too little sleep, which makes it more likely that I will skip working out and eat bad food, etc.  One break in the chain of good habits leads to back-sliding in a whole bunch of areas.  That is really what happened this week.

The bottom line is, I know that I deserve one, but I also know I really don't want one and would strongly prefer to get away with something. As I said, I know this is going to lead to the usual chorus of "You just need to submit."  I don't really disagree with it. I know I deserve to be spanked, and I know I just need to take my medicine.

What I am pointing out, however, is that it is sometimes easier said than done.  And while the resistance is undoubtedly counter-productive, in a sense it confirms that we are on the right track.  Because, the resistance and desire to avoid punishment really kick in only once a Domestic Discipline relationship becomes "real," in the sense that it is no longer about some quasi-erotic kink and is really about being punished hard enough, long enough and often enough that he really hopes it will not happen. 

If anything, when I get to this point sometimes where it all does seem too hard to handle, it shows that we are getting to the kind of Domestic Discipline relationship we have said we want, i.e. real punishment that is designed to change behavior, and not just some kinky game in which there is a perverse desire to do things to get spanked.

I hope people will share a bit about their own experiences when it became real or about how hard it it sometimes is to accept that new reality.  When the Disciplined Husband realized the reality of submitting to real spankings.  When the Disciplinary Wife accepted that she had real power and real responsibility.  Also, I would still like to spend some time on this consistency theme.  What have couples done to ensure that spankings do happen as regularly as warranted and that all those "real life" distractions do not get in the way of a "real" disciplinary relationship.

As always, if you are new to this Forum, please take a moment to drop by the Guestbook  (see tab above) and tell us a little about your DD or FLR lifestyle or aspirations.   

Saturday, February 18, 2017

The Forum - Vol. 194 - Use Your Words

A lot of people are afraid to say what they want. That’s why they don’t get what they want. -

Hello all.  Welcome back to The Forum.  Our weekly gathering of men and women who are, or would like to be, in a Domestic Discipline or Female Led relationship.  I hope you all had a great week.

I apologize for the delay in posting.  Darren responded that he hoped it resulted from being grounded from the internet after a hard disciplinary spanking.  Unfortunately, no.  I was just busy with something else.  Though, I do have a very bruised bottom but, interestingly, not from a spanking.  I used to worry that at some point I would go to a doctor with bruising from a spanking and wouldn't be believed if I lied and said I slipped and fell.  Because how could slipping and falling on your butt generate enough force to result in real bruising?  Well, I can now confirm that it can.  I had such a fall a few days ago, and I am now sporting a very angry bruise on one cheek.  And those threats from your wife to the effect of "You won't be able to sit for a week . . ."  -- I can confirm that a bruised bottom definitely can make sitting very uncomfortable.  My only comfort is I did have a hard spanking coming, but it may have to wait a few days until some of the current tenderness is gone.  Or not.

This week's topic is kind of related to that "You won't be able to sit for a week . . ." threat, though I will take a bit of a meandering trip to explain it.  A few weeks ago, my wife and I had a disagreement that resulted in her getting very angry and storming out of the room.  Those things happen, but it is a problem in the context of our marriage because we have agreed that when she is angry with me, she has the tools to take control and bring the argument to a screeching halt in a very concrete way.  We have been at this for over a decade, and yet vocalizing her unhappiness and saying exactly what she wants and expects is still a challenge for her sometimes.  I'm sure years of socialization are part of the problem, and there is that seemingly ever present female concern that straight talk will come off as bitchy.

It was shortly after this fight that Kathy over at began a series of posts regarding the Netflix series "The Crown."  I decided to give it a try and ended up having a binge watching weekend.  I have absolutely no doubt that the director or someone on the writing staff have an FLR thing going on.  It is, in fact, a very interesting multi-part exploration of two people, Queen Elizabeth and her husband Phillip, learning to command and to submit respectively when neither came naturally to those roles.  Elizabeth must learn to lead after her father dies, and  unlike many future monarchs she had not been prepared for that from an early age because she was kind of an accidental ruler.  Her father became king only after her uncle Edward VIII (portrayed as a fairly effeminate and servile husband to a dominant wife) abdicated the throne, and she became monarch at a young age after her father died of cancer.  Her husband Phillip, a prince in his own right, is a strong and proud man who finds himself unexpectedly playing the role of consort to the newly minted Queen.  The dynamic between Elizabeth and Phillip is also fascinating, culminating in the issue of whether he must kneel at her coronation.  He asks to be released from that obligation, and she refuses.  He becomes very angry and proclaims that he wants to be married to his wife, not to a queen. She replies that she is both wife and Queen and that a strong man should be able to kneel to both.

It also is a study in learning to use power, and specifically that leadership skills can be taught and learned, though perhaps in small, incremental steps.  Some of the most intriguing segments are the exchanges between Elizabeth and Winston Churchill.  There is very explicit mentoring going on with respect to making decisions, and the necessity of really making and owning them.  While he gives her advice, he then presses her to both make the actual decision and to vocalize it.  He realizes and subtly impresses on her the necessity of learning to take ownership of her own power.

That is what this week's topic is about. Vocalizing. Commanding.  Expressing what she wants.  There is another scene in The Crown related to this theme that has an even more explicit FLR reference.  Churchill's health is failing and he suffers from two strokes, but he and certain cabinet ministers try to hide it from Elizabeth.  When she learns of their deception, she discusses it with her new tutor, a wizened professor who advises her that she must assert her authority and recommends bringing them in for "a good dressing down." She asks why men of such power and distinction would stand for it, and her tutor observes, "Because they're English, male and upper-class.  A good dressing down from nanny is what they want most in life."  She proceeds to bring them in and gives them just such a dressing down.  After it is over, she encounters her husband who observes that she looks "taller." He then proceeds to seduce her, plainly turned on by her newly acquired authoritative, regal bearing.

That is the long-winded introduction to this week's topic, which is about that "dressing down." Lecturing.  Vocalizing both her expectations and her dissatisfaction when those are not met.

This is something I really love about the artwork from the owner of the RedRump blog:  While there is some lighthearted stuff with women having fun administering their butt blisterings, a majority of the drawings portray the woman as pissed off and letting it show. These are women who plainly are not to be trifled with, and when they are angry they express it.  With words.  With facial expressions. Their entire demeanor is congruent with their status as Head of the relationship, and when discipline is to be meted out their demeanor and words are part and parcel of the punishment process, designed to break down the ego of the offender as surely as the spanking itself.  It is both an expression of authority and a warning about what is about to happen.

Is strong lecturing and chastisement part of your DD and FLR relationship? Do you want it to be?  I have come to appreciate the extent to which the passion and authority with which I am directed and controlled is almost more important to the whole experience than the spanking itself.  It's not just about taking me to the woodshed.  It is about making me go there.  Telling me that it is going to happen and why.  Vocalizing what she is angry about and what she is going to do to me as a result of that anger.  Emphasizing through her words, her expression and her demeanor that it is absolutely inevitable that I am going to be punished. That I have no choice in the matter and, yes, that I very much should be afraid of it and how much it is going to hurt.  And, I do want her to express her anger.  In fact, just as Churchill would advise Elizabeth but then make her vocalize it as her own decision, even if I have advised something I want and need on the DD front, I need her to vocalize it to me as her order.  In short, I want her to use her words, and to use them to dominate, control and chastise me.

Do you share those desires?  If lecturing and verbal chastisement are part of your DD relationship, give us a few examples.  A while back we did a topic on spanking-related phrases, which I put below  for reference and for our female readers to consider working into their disciplinary vocabulary. But, please go beyond that and tell us about times when lecturing has been used to good effect in your relationship.



I'll give you something to cry about.


Did you hear what I said?

Not as sorry as you are going to be.

We will discuss this later.

Bring me the paddle.

I'm not going to stop until you are crying. 

I am going to blister your behind.

I am going to set your bottom on fire.

You are going to be much sorrier.

I bet you will be good - after I finish blistering your behind.

I sure hope you don't do it again. God help you if you do.

Stop? (with increduality) Oh no, dear, we're just getting started.

You really should be ashamed that I'm having to paddle your behind like this - will you ever grow up?

Of course it hurts - you should have remembered that before misbehaving again.

There are no limits on my authority to spank you, anytime, anyplace for any reason –got that?

You have a naughty little boy inside you and when he comes out it’s my job to teach him how to behave.

You are going to be severely punished.

Lose it. (referring to a pre-spanking erection)

Do you want me to take you upstairs and pull your pants down?

One more word and I will ...

You are going to get such a sore bottom when we get home.

You just carry on with that attitude, just carry on...

Really?  Really?

You're too big for your britches, and those britches are coming down.

Assume the position.

I promise this is going to be an ass blistering that you won't soon forget.

You'll be lucky if you can sit down for the next week.

Go cut me a switch.

Of course it hurts. It is supposed to hurt.

Our company should be here soon, dear. Time to bring me the paddle so we can make sure you remember to behave.


I hope you all have a great week. As always, if you're new to this Forum, please take a moment to stop by the Guestbook (tab above) and tell us a little about your DD or FLR relationship or aspirations.