Saturday, September 24, 2016

The Forum -- Vol. 175 -- In Your Dreams

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”- Anais Nin

 Hello all.  Welcome back to The Forum -- Disciplined Husbands & Disciplinary Wives.  Our weekly gathering of men and women participating, or interested in participating, in Domestic Discipline and/or Female Led Relationships.  I hope you all had a great week.

A week or so ago, someone brought up the possibility that some of the comments posted on this blog are fictional.  Could be.  I have no idea whether any particular comment is wholly true, mostly true or not at all true.  I also don't really care that much, as long as they are on topic.  Some of the best stories on the old Disciplinary Wives Club website were fiction, but they illustrated what a DD relationship could be and, in doing, served an inspirational purpose. Fictional or not, they provided ideas and guideposts. 

Domestic Discipline and FLR relationships seldom start wholly formed.  Instead, one party proposes it to the other. They talk, they plan, they experiment.  Hopefully, things move forward, perhaps not always smoothly, but forward nonetheless.  But, it's probably inevitable that real life, with all its distractions and compromises, doesn't always match up to the parties' ideal desires, goals and dreams.

Assuming that is the case for most of us who are trying to construct real DD and FLR relationships, what is the gap between your fantasy and your reality?  What would that "ideal" DD relationship and your role in it look like?  More discipline and consequences?  A more strict spouse?  What role would you and your spouse play if you could make your DD or FLR all you want it to be? And, what would you be willing to do differently or act differently to make it happen.

This topic comes from Anna, who has become one of our only active Disciplinary Wife commenters the last few weeks.  Marisa, Holly, Merry and others . . . I hope you all are still with us and merely caught up in the busyness of life.

I hope you all have a great week.  If you are new to our Forum, please take a moment to visit our Guestbook (tab above) and tell us a little about your DD or FLR relationship. 

Saturday, September 17, 2016

The Forum -- Vol. 174 -- Why DD?

"Know what? Bitches get stuff done.  -- Tina Fey"

Hi all.  Welcome back to the Forum.  Our interactive gathering of men and women who are participating or interested in being in a Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationship.

I hope you all had a great week.  By the end of mine, I was reminded tha periods of frenetic activity are almost always, for me at least, followed by days of abject laziness, sometimes capped by royally blowing off steam.  I experienced bits of all those this week after coming down off of a major work project that had been truly all-consuming for the better part of a month.   As most of those projects go in my world, there is a definite end-point.  So, you go from running at a balls-out pace to a dead stop.  I find that it is the period right after that "dead stop" in which I tend to get in trouble.  When I have 50 things on my to-do list, I get them all done.  When it's back down to five things, I accomplish precisely none of them.  I also have a tendency to look at the clock around 4:00 pm and say, "Well, since I don't have much going on anyway, let's rally the troops and get happy hour going early."  And one happy hour cocktail soon become four.  Which is all my way of saying that I probably have a good, long punishment spanking coming this weekend, and I probably richly deserve it.

Before getting to this week's topic, a note on -- "bitchiness."  I had another of those experiences last week that verified for me just how insidious this view among women is that if they take control they will be perceived as bitches, which may or may not be true, but what is true is how much they care!  Over the course of this work project, I watched one of our younger female team members do something that represented playing way, way above her level. Just stunningly impressive from someone who was supposed to be too junior to pull something like that off.  When things wrapped up, we had a team "bonding" event that became the usual booze fest.  During the course of said festivities, she asked me for pointers on how to get even better.  I told her that she had exhibited technical skills way above what anyone thought she should have at this stage, so now she just needed to work on developing a level of confidence that matches the ability.  She then asked what I freaking knew she was going to ask: "But, how do I do that without sounding bitchy?"  I then gave her a five minute lecture on how that concern about being perceived as bitchy was likely going to be the #1 thing getting in the way of becoming all she could otherwise be, and that regardless of the price paid for being perceived as bitchy, it will not be nearly as high as the price paid for  self-censoring and not living up to her full potential all because of some faux egalitarianism or hesitancy to offend.  It is just so frustrating seeing young women with so much potential dumb themselves down purely because of someone else's perception or, more accurately, the mere possibility of such a perception.  And, if people see a strong woman as a bitch . . . so what??  When I tell a male subordinate that he screwed up, do you think he doesn't leave the office muttering to himself, "Asshole."  It's the same thing, but for some reason women just care about it way more.  Like I said, insidious. 

I also had a pleasant surprise this week.  During this lull in the work activity, I caught up on some reading, including a book entitled "The Good Wife's  Guide to Taking Charge: A Female Led Relationship Primer" by Rebecca Lawson (available on Amazon).  Unlike a lot of the junk out there that I've read on this topic, this one really focused on the reality of these relationships and implementing them in the real world.  I was going through the "Some Resources" section in the back, and this quote brought me up short:

"I also recommend The Disciplined Husbands Forum ( It is one of the most realistic ones I have found, and it has some really good discussion. Please note that I do not know the blogger, nor does he know me. So, I do not speak for him (and vice versa). But, it is a good example of a realistic blog on the subject done in a tasteful and educational way." 

I've always wanted to be a published author myself but have lacked the commitment to make it happen, so I guess I will settle on getting mentioned in an actual book! 

So, on to this week's topic.  I got a little testy with a commenter last week who started going down the, "If everyone is REALLY doing DD then why the desire to get spanked . . ." thing. I admit, I really just get tired of people questioning other people's sincerity or motivations. Just because you don't "get it" doesn't mean others don't.  It probably just means this lifestyle isn't for you and you should move on to another blog that better suits your interests.  But, there was a more legitimate  point that focusing on the mechanics of the spanking sometimes means we aren't having the bigger "why" discussions.  (Of course, I've also noticed I tend to get more comments on the blander, "What's your favorite spanking instrument" kind of topics -- just goes to show you can't please everyone.)  So, for this week, I'll throw out one of those more open ended questions:  Why domestic discipline or FLR?  Why did you want (or agree) to take your relationship in this direction?  What need does it fulfill for you, assuming it does?  While a lot of FLR stories involve the woman imposing the relationship on the screw-up husband, the dominant reality is the men often do the initiating.  So, why do we want it?  What gap does it fill for you?  And, for the women who did initiate it or went along with a request, does it fulfill your needs too?

Have a great week.  If you are new to this Forum, please take a few minutes to go to our Guestbook (tab above) and tell us a little about yourself.


Saturday, September 10, 2016

The Forum - Vol. 173 - Surprises

 “Nothing quite encourages as does one's first unpunished crime.” - Marquis de Sade

 Hello all.  Welcome back to The Forum: Disciplined Husbands & Disciplinary Wives.  I hope you all had a great week.  I am finally past a particularly hellish period at work.  I'm still in a bit of recovery mode after existing on coffee and adrenaline for two weeks straight, but it's amazing how much better the world looks through eyes that were actually closed in sleep for 8 hours.  Of course participation has been down on the blog lately, so I'm not sure I missed that much.  It is definitely that time of year, with kids going back to school and others trying to squeeze the last bit of fun out of summer.  In any event, I hope to be a little more engaged with the blog than was the case over the last few weeks.  I admit, however, that I am still kind of stuck for scintillating topic ideas that haven't already been covered.  I guess that is the nature of the beast with a narrowly focused, topics-oriented blog.

A few weeks ago we discussed written contracts and agreements.  I usually try to run polls before opening up a topic related to them, but I got a little disorganized that time and the topic preceded the poll.  In any event, we got 94 responses on the topic of Do You Have a Written Contract or Agreement Defining Your DD Relationship

             24 (25%)
             70 (74%)

So, if positive expressions of consent are a necessity for these relationships as some vigorously maintain, those expressions don't seem to be documented in writing for most of our community.

This week's topic is a little nebulous, and maybe an extension of last week's.  (Which I realize may not bode well for increasing participation, given the minimal response last week.  C'est la vie.  It's the best I can come up with this week.)  Have you ever received a spanking as an unpleasant surprise?  Like maybe you were anticipating sex and got a spanking instead? Or maybe one came totally out of the blue after you thought you had gotten away with something?

Saturday, September 3, 2016

The Forum - Vol. 172 - Modern Communication

Hi all. Welcome back to the The Forum -- Disciplined Husbands and Disciplinary Wives.  Our weekly gathering of men and women participating or interested in Domestic Discipline and/or Female Led Relationships.

Based on the activity level, it seems that everyone out there is just as busy as I am at the moment.  It's that time of year, isn't it? School starting.  Football season kicking off.  And, unfortunately, I am still tied up (and not in a good way) with something for work through the end of next week.  But, I did not want to let another week go by without some discussion.  So, her is an easy one:

Have you ever received a text or phone call saying you will be spanked when you get home or that you need to come home from work or whatever you are doing to get a spanking? For me, one of the most memorable happened fairly early on in our DD relationship.  We had been doing it for only a few weeks, and we had purchased a very nasty implement called a prison strap.  I was at work one morning, when my wife called.  She had the day off for some reason, and we chatted for a bit and she asked if I had a busy afternoon ahead.  I really didn't (for once) and said so.  It was a well laid trap on her part, because as soon as I said I wasn't that busy, she said, "Good.  Then at lunch you are to drive home, go directly up to the bedroom, get out my new strap and get ready for a very bad spanking."  I have no memory of what I had done to earn it, but I very much remember the anxiety I felt all morning, almost literally watching the hands on my office clock tick closer and closer to noon.  We lived only about 15 minutes from my work, but that drive felt like hours.  I got home, and she was sitting at the kitchen table, drinking a cup of coffee and reading the newspaper.  I started to walk into the kitchen, and without looking up she said, "I told you to go upstairs immediately, and that's what I meant. Go."  I did, and she came up a few minutes later and delivered what was, up until that time, probably the hardest spanking I had ever taken.  When it was done, she very calmly said, "Get dressed and go back to work."  I spent the rest of the day sitting on a very, very sore and well strapped bottom.

Any similar stories to share?

As always, if you are new to the Forum, please stop by the Guestbook and tell us a little about yourself and your DD lifestyle or aspirations.

Saturday, August 27, 2016

The Forum -- Firsts Continued

Hi all. Welcome back to The Forum - Disciplined Husbands & Disciplinary Wives.  Our weekly gathering of those participating in or wanting to be in a Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationship.

Unfortunately, due to some other commitments, I am going to need to take a break from the blog this weekend.  But, we didn't get a huge response to last week's post, which invited members of our community to share stories about the first adult disciplinary spanking they received or delivered.  Noticeably absent was much in the way of comments from the wives about the first time they wielded their disciplinary brush, paddle or strap.  So, in an effort to keep things going while I'm tied up, let's extend last week's topic, while hoping to encourage some of the wives out there to share their stories about that very first time.

Have a great week.  As always, if you are new to this Forum, please take a moment to visit our Guestbook (see tab above) and tell us a little about yourself and your DD or FLR relationship.

Saturday, August 20, 2016

The Forum - Vol. 171 - Firsts

Don't let your mouth get you into something your ass can't handle. -- unknown 

Hi all. Welcome back to The Forum - Disciplined Husbands and Disciplinary Wives.  Our weekly gathering of men and women participating in, or interested in being in, a Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationship.  I hope you had a good week.

You can really feel the summer winding down.  This one kind of blew right by me.  Lots of changes happening for us right now, though that's probably a subject for another time.  It's been another incredibly busy week, and I'm a little pressed for time.  This week, I can't say I'm feeling particularly inspired where new topics are concerned, so maybe we should try for some more user participation in the process.  Something that requires some story telling on all our parts.

This week's topic is, therefore, first spankings.  More particularly, first disciplinary spankings.  We all got started somewhere.  Whether we asked for it ourselves.
Or whether it was a little less voluntary.

What do you remember about the first one you ever got or gave?  Give us the details.  When? Where? What did you do to earn it? Or, was it just the culmination of a longer process? Did anything about it come as a surprise?

I hope you all have a good week.  As always, if you are new to this Forum, please stop by the Guestbook (tab above) and tell us a little about yourself.

Saturday, August 13, 2016

The Forum -- Vol. 170 -- After the Spanking

“To cry was to release all sorts of ugly little pressures and tensions. Like waking out of a long, dark dream to a sun-filled day.” -- Anne McCaffrey

Hi all.  Welcome back to The Forum -- Disciplined Husbands & Disciplinary Wives.  Our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or interested in being in, Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationships.  I hope you all had a great week.

We had a good discussion of contracts last week.  If there was a general consensus, it seemed to be that a contract could be a useful tool, especially at the beginning of a DD or FLR relationship, but might not serve as much of a purpose later or if the DD or FLR aspect of the relationship took off later in an established relationship where the communication is already solid and open.  I did put up a poll to try to assess how many people are using such contracts, so if you haven't done so yet, please take a moment to vote 

I will probably add more to this topic later today, as I'm a little time challenged this morning.  But for now, today's topic comes from Anna, who suggested the following: What do men feel and how do they act right after discipline?  Is there corner time or other rules?  

We've talked about corner time fairly recently, so let's focus on her broader question of what men feel after a real disciplinary spanking and whether the couple has any kind of post-spanking ritual or tradition, whether corner time, after-care . . . sex, etc.  
I'll talk a little more later about our own routine and what I'm feeling immediately after, but for now I'm off to take care of some other things.

Have a great week.  If you are new to this Forum, please stop by the Guestbook (see tab above) and tell us a little bit about yourself and your DD or FLR relationship or aspirations to be in one.

Saturday, August 6, 2016

The Forum - Vol. 169 - Contracts

Women rule men's lives - every decision a man makes is based on a woman. Jessica Stroup
Read more at:
 Injustice is relatively easy to bear; it is justice that hurts. ~H.L. Mencken

Hello all. Welcome back to The Forum - Disciplined Husbands & Disciplinary Wives. I hope you all had a great week.

For reasons I won't go into in detail, the role consent plays in DD and FLR relationships was on my my mind again this week.  It began with an entry on the Guestbook from someone who suggested an FLR relationship had been imposed on them, and I tried to probe what that actually meant.  I can't say I ever felt that reassured that I understood whether the situation involved real non-consent, or professing non-consent as part of the mystique of the relationship or just not taking responsiblity for choices made.  I can't say I really got to the bottom of it, and I would just reiterate a couple of points. First, this is not a Master/slave blog.  I don't have any problem with that lifestyle, but it's not what this blog is about.  So, even if you are in a consensual Master/slave relationship, there may be better places for you to explore that than here.  Something that has really been hitting home for me lately where this little extracurricular pursuit of mine is concerned is, you can't be everything to everyone.  For every Master/slave comment or post I allow on the blog, I scare off someone in a more conventionally DD or FLR-oriented relationship, and those are the relationships this blog was meant to focus on, particularly since there are plenty of outlets for those with Master/slave and other similar bents.  

Second, it hit home for me again just how nuanced and problematic this whole consent issue can be.  While I think (hope) we all agree that consent to being spanked for discipline is necessary on some level, there are a lot of nuances.   Is the consent only to the overall DD relationship?  Or, must it be to each individual spanking?  For some people, is there an element of wanting it to at least seem non-consensual, even if in the bigger picture of the overall relationship, they really want itThere isn't a clearly right answer here, and where I really started noticing the paradox was when I went back to the Disciplinary Wives Club website and tallied up how many of the stories involved the woman imposing the disciplinary relationship to one degree or another.  It was pretty clear the seeming non-consent has some kind of attraction, given that website has launched many DD marriages.  But, of course, in "real life" we know that express consent often isn't even really an issue, because many--and based on the polling we have done, probably most--of these relationships begin with the husband asking the wife to take up the paddle.

But, that is all for another today,  as I don't want to take us down another vigorous debate on things like consensual non-consent, though I do find the whole thing fascinating and perplexing.  Instead, this week I would like to address a much narrower issue that only partially relates to consent.

Formal contracts or written agreements and other means of documenting the terms and conditions of the disiciplinary side of the relationship.  How many of our DD and FLR couples have gone about documenting the rules of their relationship in some formal way?  And not just the consent, but the overall terms of the DD relationship.

Who is in charge?  What constitutes a spankable offense? Implements? Minimum/maximum number of swats?  All the way to legalistic expressions of consent, liability waivers, confidentiality clauses, etc.  There could be a lot of ground covered by such a contract. It also potentially addresses some of the complexity around consent, because it at least provides some documentation that the consent actually happened, that both parties went into it with their eyes open, etc.
So, that is this week's topic.  Have you documented your DD or FLR relationship in the form of some kind of written contract or agreement? If so, did you do it before the spankings began, or did it come later in the relationship?  What significant terms does it cover?  How did you go about putting it together?  Did you start from scratch, or find a template somewhere?  Was there a signing ceremony or meeting?  And, do you think such agreements are a good idea?
I will lead off by saying we do not have such an agreement.  When we first started out, we did come up with a list of offenses, to which each was assigned a minimum number of swats.  But, it really was designed to help us both take it seriously and to make sure she didn't let me off too easy as we were just getting used to her having the authority to spank and trying to figure out things like "how hard is hard."  It was never really structured as a contract or agreement per se.  
Have a great week. As always, if you are new to the Forum, please drop by the Guestbook (tab above) and tell us a little about yourself.