Saturday, September 16, 2017

The Forum - Vol. 221 - Waxing and Waning

Life changes in the instant.  The ordinary instant. - Joan Didion

Hello all.  Welcome back to The Forum.  Our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or interested in being in, Domestic Discipline and/or Female Led Relationships.

Thanks for your patience during my two-week pause.  Two almost became three, as I really wasn't very interested in posting this week either, but I decided I didn't want to seem like a tease. It's been a weird couple of weeks where DD is concerned.  This will be hard to explain, as I don't want to give a lot of personal details.  It would be too easy for anyone who knows me and happens to read this blog to put two and two together . . .  But, in a nutshell, I've known for a while that there was going to be an event taking place that was going to be, at least on a temporary basis (temporary being several weeks or a few months), an interruption in my routine.  Kind of a forced slowing down in some areas, requiring at least some temporary life-style changes.  I knew in general when it was going to happen and was making some plans around that.  Then, a scheduling change occurred, and the the event happened a few weeks ahead of schedule.

As I said, I knew this was going to force some lifestyle changes, if only on a temporary basis, and I was actually kind of looking forward to aspects of it, thinking of some "before" and "after" effects I would like to bring about.  In truth, this year has seemed like a rut from the start, and in some ways it's a rut I've been in for more than a year.  Kind of like the movie Groundhog Day.  I want to change for the better.  I want the situation around me to change.  Yet, I wake up in the same place every morning, and I just don't seem to have the ability to change things much.  So, I was expecting at least some change and, while I knew the event itself wasn't going to be pleasant, I was actually kind of looking forward to some forced redirection in my life.  

What I didn't expect was to come out on the other side of it, and it wasn't like I needed to think about changing my attitude to support my new circumstances.  Instead, in a few areas, I just didn't care.  Weirdly, DD and FLR being at the top of the list.  For example, one of those ruts I've been in has been spending too much time on DD and FLR-related blogs and Tumblrs.  All of a sudden, I just didn't care.  It was like when I see golf on TV.  I never, ever watch it because I just have zero interest in it.  That's what it felt like looking at things like Tumblrs with FLR and spanking-related captions.  Just didn't do anything for me.  And, that is very much where I was last week when it came to writing this blog.  I had a sequence of posts planned in my head, so it wasn't writer's block or lacking for a topic.  I just wasn't interested enough in the topic to sit down and write about it for an hour.  It was like an alcoholic waking up and one day and having no interest in having a drink. 

This was not, by the way, like what our KD Pierre was going through last year, when he said he was going through a major life stressor that left him resistant to being punished.  If anything, this is kind of the opposite.  I have been feeling less stress for the last couple of weeks than is normally the case.  Which could be part of the explanation.  I've always known that part of the attraction to DD was giving up some control in the midst of an otherwise controlling existence.  But, the interest level dropped so suddenly, like someone flipping a light switch.  And, even as work stress has resumed, the interest in DD and FLR really hasn't.  Now, one area in which it was a little like what KD described is I suddenly was in no mood to be bossed around.  Part of the event in question involved being told a lot of things I had to do or couldn't do, and I was in no mood for more of that on the home front.  Which makes any kind of FLR dynamic difficult, to say the least.

It is a little disconcerting, going through something that shows how little control we sometimes have over our own interests and attitudes.  I don't know why I am really surprised though, since I am one of the few in this group who had no interest at all in spanking, and then suddenly did after encountering one specific stimulus.  That is how this feels, but in reverse.  I do suspect that it's temporary, as there were some other things I lost interest in, and I can feel the taste for them coming back a little.  And, in any event, DD has had a positive impact on my relationship with my wife and on her personal growth, and I wouldn't want to lose that.  On the FLR front, however, I wonder if this will prove to be more of a permanent change.  I was already getting some signals from the universe that this whole learning to be more submissive thing just is not who I am.  I could see going back to something a lot more like Fred describes as his relationship, where DD is something that is used to deal with specific offenses, then life goes on as normal.  We'll see.

Has DD or FLR been like that for any of you?  Have there been periods where you just lost interest? Was there anything specific that caused the lack of interest or that caused it to come back?


Saturday, September 9, 2017

No Post Again

Sorry all, but no post again this week.  I'm still out dealing with a personal matter and haven't had time to write up a topic. 

Have a good weekend.

Friday, September 1, 2017

No Post This Weekend

Hi all.  Happy Friday!  Unfortunately, I have a personal matter I need to attend to this weekend and won't be able to post.  I also likely won't be able to keep up with comments but feel free to leave them.  Peter, I very much want to hear about the humbling with the neighbor!

I hope all of you have a great weekend, including hopefully a nice three-day one for those of you in the U.S.

Saturday, August 26, 2017

The Forum - Vol. 220 - Humbling

 "Every one is worthy of love, except him who thinks that he is. Love is a sacrament that should be taken kneeling." -- Oscar Wilde

Hello all. Welcome back to The Forum, our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or interested in being in, Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationships.

I hope you had a great week.  Mine ends with me anticipating a couple of very hard spankings for some disappointingly ongoing problems.  If I can sit come Monday, it will be miraculous.  As I contemplated my fate yesterday, it was a humbling experience. Knowing that when I came home, I was totally at her mercy.  She might order me up to the bedroom immediately, tell me to strip, then paddle my ass raw.  Or, she might keep me on pins and needles through dinner and beyond.  She did the latter, then went to bed without spanking me at all.  She told me that she knew I had a hard day yesterday, so she decided to let me off the hook for a day or two.  But, it is coming.

For me, there is something powerfully humbling about waiting for a spanking I know is coming. I instantly start behaving better, being more considerate, more polite.  In short, I become the kind of husband she wants me to be all the time.  Being that kinder, more considerate person all the time should be easy, but it's not.  Like many men who are attracted to DD, there is a lot of testosterone coursing through these veins.  It can help me take the kind of risks that build a successful career, but it can also lead to a lot of impetuous and impulsive decisions that come back to haunt me. It can help me stand up to assholes, but it also leads me to ignore or confront legitimate authority.  And, it can sometimes make me act like an arrogant jerk.

My wife is very open about the fact that one of the things she likes best about disciplining me is that it forces a humility on me that is both natural and extremely difficult for me.  When she orders me to take off all my clothes and bend over for a hard paddling or strapping, and when I actually do it, she knows how hard that is for my ego to take.  And, she enjoys that.  She knows that humbling me is a necessary and part of the process and, in fact, is one of its primary goals.

While she doesn't go out of her way to humble me in other ways, it is starting to happen more.  Several weeks ago, I wrote about an incident in which I went off on someone in a voicemail in a context in which it was not at all appropriate.  I told my wife about it, and being thoroughly fed up with my temper and arrogance creating problems at work, she took a "the punishment should fit the crime" approach.  She ordered me to apologize to the guy, stipulating that it had to be in person or by telephone.  No email.  She wanted me to have to humble myself with a verbal apology made live to the person I have abused.  A more recent incident involved her using a DD allusion to put me in my place in front of someone.  I had been teasing her about something, and some of it probably crossed the line into disrespect.  With only a little hesitation, she said " Be careful. Bad boys get spanked."  That got me instantly back in line.

Does your partner do things that are deliberately designed to humble you?  Do yo want her to? What form does/should that take?  I can think of a few things Disciplinary Wives could impose:
  •  Give him orders, like chores or a personal task, in front of other people. At a holiday party last year, my wife and I were chatting with another couple and she turned and handed me her empty drink glass and told me to go to the bar and get her another.  It was not a request.  It was very conspicuously an order.
  • Make him show respect in public in some conspicuous way that emphasizes her role over him.
  • Make him kneel or take some subservient posture, perhaps as a means of cutting off an argument
  • On the more risque side:
    • Panties?
    • Chastity device
What are your thoughts on this?  What has your partner done for the express purpose of humbling you?

I hope you have a good week.

Saturday, August 19, 2017

The Forum - Vol. 219 - Poll & the Need for Female Disciplinarians

It is wrong and immoral to seek to escape the consequences of one's acts. - Mahatma Ghandi

Hi all.  Welcome back to The Forum.  Our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or interested in being in, Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationships.

What a week.   Work was busy, though I didn't a whole lot accomplished.  Largely because I kept popping over to Politico and NPR and the Economist to see the latest D.C. drama.  It's sort of like the people who go to NASCAR not for the race but to see a crash.  It's sort of like DD -- it is painful and humiliating yet I can't stop myself from coming back for more.

A few weeks ago, I posted a poll related to our topic of why people choose Domestic Discipline.  Looking at the trends yesterday, I was sure we would hit 100 responses, but it failed by four votes.  Close enough, I guess.  I'm not sure what to read into the fact that this blog averages over a thousand pageviews a day, yet less than 10% take the time to hit a button.  Apathy?  The poll topic wasn't interesting?  Less than one in ten who visit here are actually in a DD relationship? One hand on the remote control and one wanking, leaving no hand available to push the little button?  Who knows. Anyway, here are the results:

Accountability or penance                                                      46 (47%)
Boundaries and rules make me feel better or safer                37 (38%)
Handing control over to someone for awhile                         53 (55%)
Stress relief                                                                             34 (35%)
I like my wife strong and powerful                                        49 (51%)
It's primarily about a spanking interest or fetish                    35 (36%)
I like pain                                                                          9 (9%)
Other                                                                                 4 (4%)

I need to say at the outset, this may be one of the worst constructed polls I've ever done, because it's missing at least one big option, namely performance improvement.  I guess that is kind of wrapped up in "accountability," but only obliquely.  I also wonder what would have happened had I forced people to choose their primary motivation.

It is at least somewhat comforting to me that at least some fairly significant portion of respondents seem to be in this for the same reasons I am -- some mixture of accountability, the desire to hand over control to someone else for awhile, and being attracted to a strong and powerful woman. There is some good stuff to unpack in here.

Strong women are wanted.  So many women in these relationships hold themselves back over concerns that "strong" equates to "bitchy."  Clearly not so for most of the people who took the time to take this poll.  Wanting a strong and powerful wife was the second most common motivation for wanting a DD relationship, right behind wanting to surrender control to someone else sometimes.
And, it's not like accomplished women are in short supply these days.  While discrimination still obviously exists, I don't think it is a stretch to say that it is increasingly becoming a female dominated world.  In 2009, the number of women in the workforce exceeded men for the first time.  In 2014, women accounted for 55% of undergraduates in four-year colleges. Once there, they tend to earn higher grades and drop out less. Women get more Masters and Doctorate degrees than their male counterparts.  In 2016, for the first time women outnumbered men in law school.  

Accountability is wanted -- and needed.  Every time we've had a poll or topic on what men want out of DD, accountability or needing to face the consequences of bad behavior are at or near the top of the charts.  There is certainly an argument to be made that men need that accountability more than ever and that women should rule because they just aren't as susceptible to "Darwin Award" kinds of dumb-ass behavior.  I read a telling statistic recently.  Between the ages of 15 and 24, men are three times more likely to die than women, because they are far more likely to engage in reckless behavior or violence. Motor vehicle accidents are the most common cause of death for males in this age group, followed by homicide, suicide, cancer and drowning.

Men want to hand over control.  In this poll, wanting to hand over control to someone else was the high scoring motivator for getting into a DD relationship.  It is definitely part of the attraction for me.  I describe my own need to hand over control in terms of needing more boundaries and rules.  So, again, I may have constructed the poll very poorly in that it separated need to hand over control and need for boundaries into two different categories, when maybe they are two facets of the same general drive.

The open question for me in all this is whether women want the authority and control that many men obviously are more than willing to give them.  A few years ago, I was talking to a close female friend about the whole Fifty Shades phenomenon. I told her that I had a hard time reconciling that women are, on the hand, striving hard to get at least equal treatment in the workplace, and they've had thousands of years of being seen as the weaker sex and relegated to second-class roles.  So, why were so many of them attracted to a book about female submission and giving up control to a man.  She gave me a kind of world-weary sigh and said, "Look.  Most women already are in control at home.  The reality is, we basically run the house, raise the kids and make most of the day-to-day decisions.  So, on the home front, if there is a power gap, the women are already in charge."

Wise words.  In your own household, when you started Domestic Discipline, was it really just an extension of a dynamic that was already there?  In other words, was your wife already mostly in charge, and DD was just an incremental extension?  Or, was it a reversal of your normal dynamic or an exception to it.  I also wonder whether women who are already in control of the household would be happier if they did see disciplining their husbands as just part of that role.  Heaven knows we seem to need it.  This aspect of DD at home is one reason I love hearing from Holly, as it sounds like her mother saw disciplining her father as no different from disciplining and raising the kids.

Also, note the new poll, which asks those who are in DD relationships to identify which spouse initiated the DD aspects of the relationship, the spanker or the spankee.  I decided to make this one a binary choice, so please pick the one answer that most closely fits your situation.

Saturday, August 12, 2017

The Forum - Vol. 218 - The Conversation

Ask for what you want and be prepared to get it. -- Maya Angelou
Hello all.  Welcome back to The Forum.  Our weekly gathering of people who are in our would like to be in Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationships.  I hope you had a good week. 

Mine was busy and a little stressful, though it was also one in which I found some preconceptions challenged, and in a good way.  Several weeks ago, I alluded to a problem I had created for myself at work.  It involved misinterpreting (maybe) something that someone had said to me, resulting in me going off on them in a way that wasn't appropriate regardless of whether I did, in fact, misinterpret their intentions.  I got a hard and well-deserved spanking as a result of itWell, this week I found myself spending a large chunk of time with the person in question.  Turns out we have a hell of a lot in common, and not just in terms of volatile and aggressive personalities.  We not only grew up in very similar environments.  Eerily similar.  Interacting with him was also interesting, because it gave me an opportunity to watch someone whose behavior is so similar to my own, and what I observed was that his aggressiveness and controlling approach to things was effective.  I've spent a lot of energy at work the last year or so trying to tone down my own level of aggressiveness, because it has capped my upward movement to some extent. But, the bottom line is, for my profession it kind of works.  I was thinking about all this in relation to comments Fred has made here from time to time about not wanting to use DD to become more submissive in any other aspect of his life. Weirdly, I was thinking about those comments right before he suddenly popped up again with a comment after several weeks off.  I also had been thinking some things along these lines due to the  death of Sam Shepard, one of my favorite actors and playwrights, whose characters and writing often explore themes of what it means to be a man.  So, the week had that sense of the Universe sending me some signals that in experimenting with FLR and trying to be more submissive at home, I really don't want to be any less aggressive, controlling or, for lack of a better word, manly in the rest of my life.  The challenge, of course, is not to over-rotate on this and fall into a pattern of truly unhealthy and unhelpful behavior.

Anyway, we didn't get much of a conversation going last week.  I suspect people are distracted with summer quickly coming to an end.  Re-plowing old ground may also bore some of the regulars, but I still want to go in the direction I set out last week, focusing more on content that helps people who think they want one of these relationships explore how to do it. 

"I want you to spank me.  For real. If I do something bad or something you don't like, I want you to take down my pants and give me a real spanking.  I want you to use spankings to make me truly want to do better and to make me really regret it when I don't."

That's what this week's topic is about.  How do you have that conversation?  Last week we talked a little about why some of us were driven to Domestic Discipline and what we hoped to get out of it.  I assume that for most of us, the desire preceded the reality. In other words, we realized we wanted to try this kind of relationship, and then took some action to get there.  For my wife and me, that took the form of a conversation I initiated.  As I explained last week, I had found the Disciplinary Wives Club website, became more than little obsessed with it, and ended up telling my wife about it.  While I may have started the conversation with a lighthearted, cavalier tone ("Hey honey, I found this interesting website today . . ."), I did in that same conversation fess up that this was something I wanted to try, though I was also honest that it kind of scared the hell out of me.  She was intrigued enough to take a look at the website the next day.  Had I not been honest about my desire to try this, and had I not put myself out there and shown some real vulnerability during that first conversation, I'm not sure she would have gone any further.  It was me admitting that I wanted to at least try this and being very open about why that gave her the emotional incentive to follow up and to take it seriously.

For us, the biggest hurdle was probably her concern that if I "wanted" to be spanked for doing something bad, wouldn't the spanking just reinforce the bad behavior?  To get over that, I was clear from the begging that I wasn't suggesting erotic spankings or spanking as foreplay. Not in any way, shape or form.  I was suggesting real spankings, like some of us got as kids from parents or at school.  These would be spankings that would leave me chastened, reddened, very sore and possibly in tears.  The goal was to make the paddling bad enough that I would really, really want to avoid another at all costs.  I also told her that I recognized that my behavior was often hurtful or inconsiderate but, because of the way we were both raised, she did not feel she could do very much about it other than pout and engage in other passive-aggressive behaviors.  The conversation was very much about us consciously deciding to empower her and dis-empower me, in order to bring a sense of balance to the relationship.  I emphasized that she would be able to set the rules and enforce them at will and that, while it would be a struggle for me, I was agreeing as a condition of the new relationship that I had to give in to her discipline, whenever and wherever she chose.

It was also important that she see that this wasn't about dungeons and leather and all those S&M or BDSM trappings that may turn on some women but likely scare off many more from.  So, that too was part of the conversation. I wasn't asking her to change who she was or adopt some new persona.  She got to stay exactly who she was but with new authority and power.
That initial conversation was critical to getting us started down this path.  Without it, my recently discovered obsession with this thing called Domestic Discipline would have remained just an unfulfilled fantasy. 

Did your Domestic Discipline relationship start with a similar conversation?  Did you have to convince a reluctant spouse?  How did you get them to be comfortable with the idea at least enough to try it?  And, while we don't get a lot of postings from dominant spouses who initiated the disciplinary relationship, it does occur.  Holly being one example, but there are others.  I would love to hear from more women who decided they wanted this kind of relationship and acted on it.  What was that conversation like? 

I hope you all have a good week.

Friday, August 11, 2017

Taking Down Guestbook (temporarily?)

Not that it really matters to our regulars who introduced themselves long ago, but I am taking down the Guestbook.  The level of troll activity has gotten out of control.  There are commercial entities that keep trying to post to it, plus OCD boy "Sean" constantly trying to post about his mother-in-law, or getting spanked getting out of the shower or getting "leg locked."  Four tries on the last two days.  (It's just gotten very old, so Sean's stuff is just going to get deleted every single time he tries to post, whether on-topic or not.)  The reality is, virtually no one seems to be using it right now for the purpose for which it was intended, i.e. as a way for people to introduce themselves and/or leave short statements about their DD relationships.  So, since I am tired of having to police it all the time and delete spam, I am just going to take it down.

Friday, August 4, 2017

The Forum - Vol. 217 - Why DD?

"Be careful what you wish for.  There's always a catch." -- Laure Hale Anderson

Hello all. Welcome back to The Forum.  Our weekly gathering of men and women in, or wanting to be in, Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationships.  I hope you had a good week.  Mine was not very eventful.  Other than a behavioral issue on Monday that she would have given me a very hard spanking for, were it not for some distractions that got in the way.  But, it still may be coming.

To those who joined in the discussion last week, thanks for contributing.  As I said, some repetition is inevitable, but I myself can never really get enough of "origin" stories when it comes to Domestic Discipline.  There are just so many variations on how people get into these relationship, it is endlessly fascinating to me.  But, then, I am kind of voyeuristic by nature.  One reason I like the participatory nature of doing this blog is I get to hear so many interesting stories.  It also tests my assumptions.  When I first started the blog, I definitely had some pre-conceived notions about how and why people get into those relationships.  I think in general some of those notions were grounded in reality, but only with respect to some segment of the DD community.  It's been an awakening experience to hear from so many people about what led them into this fairly unique lifestyle.  And, contrary to the views of some of our regular commenters, I do still believe these relationships are fairly uncommon.  Oh, I know, lots of couples are into spanking, but that is not the same thing as being into Domestic Discipline.  I have no way of knowing for sure, but I really don't think there are all that many people who are really into spanking as a true disciplinary tool.  Hell, even in the community of people who visit and comment on this blog, only some portion (and there are weeks it seems to be a small portion) are focused primarily on the disciplinary aspects of a spanking relationship as opposed to the "funishment" or erotic interest. 

Anyway, last week's topic was about how people first got into Domestic Discipline.  This week, let's talk about the "why."  What was it that made you ask for this?  And, most of you did ask for it.  While in fictional DD stories it is usually the wife who initiates it, in the "real world," the opposite seems to be true.  Far more often, it is the man who asks to be spanked for his transgressions that the wife who decides to impose that on him.

When you think about it, that really does seem pretty odd, right?  Most of us don't like pain.  Most of us also usually like getting our own way.  So, why is it that at some point in our lives, many of us end up asking our wives to spank us, and to do so very long and hard such that it is a real punishment?  And, why do some of us want those spanking to be part of turning over control of parts of our life to someone else?  Even those whose relationships are focused on Domestic Discipline without many of the "Female Led" elements are still handing over some fairly significant amount of power and giving up some degree of autonomy, since you are empowering her to punish you in an attempt to change your behavior.  At least where those behaviors are concerned, you have ceded control and done so knowing the consequences may be really, truly painful.

So, why do we want this and what motivations or desires does it meet?  What itch does it scratch?  Take a look at the poll near the top of the blog.  It is a variation on others I have posted.   It tries to get at this issue of what motivates us to not only take, but often initiate, a lifestyle in which we often have to submit ourselves to painful and humbling punishments?

For myself, despite being in one of these relationships for several years, and being a fairly self-aware person (at least I like to think so), I don't have a solid answer.  As I recounted last week, I was not a "spanko" in my younger years.  I had never once thought about adult spankings until well into my '30s.  Even when we started playing with erotic spanking, it wasn't wasn't all that interesting to me, let alone the kind of compelling fetish it clearly is to some.  Yet, when I stumbled on a website devoted to Domestic Discipline, it just hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks. I literally couldn't sleep the night after I found it, and not much for a few days after that.  Something about it just grabbed me.  Looking back and trying to recall what the primary driver was, I know part of it was related to accountability and boundaries.  The stories of wives meting out punishment for real offenses were compelling, and it had something to do with being held truly accountable.  Which as I've said before is really an odd thing for me to be attracted to, because I am generally so anti-authoritarian.  But, part of me clearly wants it, even if I rebel against it.  But, I'm not sure that really gets at the heart of it either.  The stories that really got to me at my core all involved being brought to tears by a spanking.  But, when I say "got to me," I don't mean erotically.  At least not in any simplistic way. Frankly, those stories scared the shit out of me, but I also found them morbidly fascinating.  To say the prospect of being brought to tears by a spanking from my wife gave me "butterflies" is such an understatement.  It almost made me want to throw up -- the feeling was that powerful.  Yet, I undeniably wanted it. 

So, for me, there seem to be a lot of motivations at play.  I want to be held accountable. I crave imposed boundaries, even if in every aspect of my life I push against them.  I want the catharsis, and maybe even the embarrassment, of being brought to tears by my wife.  Part of me craves being lectured and treated with a very maternal strictness.  All of that is in there somewhere, and I have no idea why none of it came out until pretty late in life.  And, my decade-long interest in this lifestyles is not all emotionally motivated.  Part of it is just recognizing that I don't always have the willpower to behave in ways that help me be successful or that help me avoid the natural consequences of bad behavior.  So, the prospect of getting spanked can help with that. 

So, what motivated you to seek this out?  Or, if you are one of the few disciplined husbands on whom the lifestyle was imposed, or if you are a disciplinary wife who imposed it, what was the primary driver for that happening?  For you personally, what needs did you think the DD or FLR lifestyle would serve?

I hope you all have a great week.

Saturday, July 29, 2017

The Forum - Vol. 216 - Beginnings

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” Anais Nin

Hello all.  Welcome back to The Forum.  Our weekly gathering of women and men who are in, or would like to be in, Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationships.  I hope you had a good week.  Mine was insanely busy again.  I'm really hoping to get some downtime this weekend, though it's not looking promising.

As our regulars know, I've been struggling more than usual with coming up with new ideas and also with the structure of the blog.  I do like the topical format, but it feels more than a little random.  Some of that may be inherent to the format of a blog versus a website.  The latter is more like a book, with some kind of purpose and layout, arranged into discreet sections intended to accomplish some specific thing or make some specific information available.  The former is more like a weekly column in the Lifestyle section of the newspaper.  From this blog's inception, I've struggled with which of those I want it to be.  On the one hand, I want it to be a resource for people exploring this lifestyle.  On the other, I did start it because I am a communicative person and, within bounds, I do like talking about what is going on in my own life and my own DD marriage and having a community around that.  Though, I'm not sure the blog format really works that well for community building.  The topics are constraining and I'm always the initiator of the conversation.  I recently was invited to a Facebook group for DD folks. It's mainly M/f in orientation, but I do like the give-and-take aspect of it.  Though, it has its downsides, such as Facebook making it very hard to post anonymously.  Despite that "little" impediment, I am still pondering starting a group there.  If you would be interested, shoot me an email.  Depending on the interest level, I might give it a go.

Having something more interactive and more private, like a Facebook private group, solves only part of the problem, however, as I do still want something that is a more generally available resource and, again, something a little less random.  It occurred to me that this blog has explored damn near every conceivable topic related to Domestic Discipline, but it is spread out over four years of sequential entries.  So, I think what I am going to try for the next few months is imposing a little structure.  A little logical flow.  Something more like a book and less like a journal or weekly column.  It may or may not work, but I am just kind of tired of throwing out random topics every week.  It absolutely will mean repeating past topics and repeating some older content, which may get tiring for the regulars but, as I said, we have at one point or another covered pretty much every damn thing that it is possible to explore regarding these relationships.

So, if I were writing a book about Domestic Discipline, where would I start?  Well, probably with how I got into it in the first place.

 My story is below.  I hope you will share yours as well. 

Exploring Domestic Discipline was my idea, which might surprise you if you knew me in "real life."  Like many men who feel attracted to giving up control to a strong woman and being held accountable by her, I am not "naturally" submissive.  To the contrary, in every other aspect of my life, I tend to be a leader, not a follower.  In fact, I hate being told what to do and I've never been presented with a rule that I didn't promptly set out to break.  I also tend to be hard-charging and very goal focused.  I like performing at my best and feel a lot of guilt when I don't meet the standards I set for myself.  I have been like that most of my life, though my career really brought those controlling and performance-oriented tendencies to the forefront.  After a decade or so of living that way, I was materially successful but not particularly happy. Everything felt out of balance. I was always in charge. Always the person making the decisions. Which was overwhelming sometimes.

Our marriage was similarly out of balance. My wife was raised in a very traditional, male dominated family, and she brought that habitual mindset into our marriage. It wasn't that we had consciously created a male dominated marriage, but that was just sort of where our personalities naturally took us.

We had dabbled in erotic spanking, so that bridge already had been crossed. That "dabbling" came relatively late in our relationship.  We had been together for about 10 years.  From what I have since gathered from the conversations on this blog, my DD journey is a bit atypical because, while it was me who introduced spanking into our bedroom repertoire, I did not have any kind of early fascination with it.  I had, in fact, never even considered engaging in it, whether giving or receiving, as an adult.  That changed when I watched a "Real Sex" episode on HBO that had a segment on erotic spanking.  It was a turn-on, and some time after that, I bought a small leather paddle and asked my wife if she would try using it on me.  She did, but it was never very hard and always erotic in nature.

We incorporated some femdom scenarios into our play,  characterizing the spankings she was giving me as “punishment” for various things I had done wrong.  That began to create problems.  Some of my behaviors really were a problem and really were pissing my wife off.  But, because the spankings were relatively mild and always part of our sex play, she began to see them as more reward than punishment, and she was right about that.  She definitely was not interested in doing anything to reinforce my bad behavior, so she stopped the spankings entirely.  I didn't really care, and it didn't feel like much of a sacrifice.  I was still somewhat interested in spanking-related subjects, but while the idea of being spanked did excite me, it was not a big deal and not remotely close to a fetish or compulsion.  If I came across spanking-related content on the internet or in a magazine, I might read it or follow a link to other content, but it didn't really bother me at all that my wife was not interested in making spanking an ongoing part of our sex life.

That all changed when I somehow came across the Disciplinary Wives Club website.   I don't really remember how that came about, but I remember the effect it had on me like it was yesterday.  Unlike our previous erotic spankings, the spankings advocated by "Aunt Kay" were intended to be real punishment to correct real misbehavior.  Many of the fictional scenes and "Real Couples" letters involved wives imposing the DD relationship, or taking it far beyond what the husband envisioned when he first asked to experiment with it.  In other words, many of the scenarios involved "consensual non-consent" or the husband asking for it but "getting more than he bargained for."  In several of the stories, the wife announced that the spanking would not end until after her misbehaving husband was in tears.  That was what really got me.   Not the spanking per se, but the idea of submitting to someone's control so fully that I might have to accept the ultimate humiliation of being brought to tears over my wife's knee. For an admitted "control freak" like me,  that kind of loss of such control was truly terrifying. But, it also was, undeniably, fascinating, though morbidly so.

I spent two or three days in a state of near obsession.  I literally could think about little else and had trouble sleeping, distracted by thoughts about this lifestyle and what it might mean.  After a few days of that, I brought it to my wife's attention, initiating the discussion almost like I was conveying a funny joke. We were laying in bed together, and I initiated the conversation in some benign way, like "I found this funny website on the internet . . . "  I explained the premise.  Women taking control of the marriages and using real corporal punishment on their husbands.  I explained that unlike the situation of "rewarding" bad behavior with fake, erotic spankings that had led her to bring our previous spanking experimentation to a halt, these were real spankings, designed to punish and correct behavior.  She asked whether I was suggesting this as something we should actually try. I told her, very hesitantly, that I didn't really know but that it had been on my mind constantly since finding the website.  The hesitation was because, I knew very well that I was suggesting something that might prove to be incredibly painful and that my ego found immensely threatening. She told me that she would take a look at it.

I was sitting at my desk at work the next day, when she called and said she had visited the DWC website.  "So, . . .?" I asked.

"Very interesting," she replied.  That was it. 

"So . . . what does that mean . . ." I probed.

"Well, I guess it means you need to go buy me a nice, high-quality wooden hairbrush.  When you get home, we can talk about how and when it is going to be used."

The rest is, as they say, history.  While she was game to give it a try, she was concerned that this could still reinforce bad behavior if the spanking became "fetishized."  Therefore, our foundational rule was that the spanking had to be "real" each and every time.   It had to be severe enough to constitute real punishment. And, that is what we have been doing ever since.

So, how did your own Domestic Discipline relationship get started? 

Have a great week.

Saturday, July 22, 2017

The Forum - Vol. 215 - Resources

A woman in love will do almost anything for a man, except give up the desire to improve him.
Nathaniel Branden. (US psychologist)

Hello all.  Welcome back to The Forum.  Our weekly gathering of women and men who are in, or would like to be in, Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationships.  I hope you had a good week.  Mine was busy.  A little too busy, and it hasn't ended yet.  My business is project-oriented, and it can be feast or famine.  Just a few weeks ago I was whining that I didn't have much to do, and now I'm so busy I can't see straight.  Seldom is there a happy medium.  I've also been having some employee issues.  One in particular involves a very headstrong guy who has a lot of great qualities, maturing not being among them.  At forty years-old, he's still locked firmly in "Bro" culture, with one foot in the professional world and one firmly in the world of college frat boy culture.  He's one of those guys who could really profit from a steady relationship with a woman wielding a big paddle.  But, unless you happen to get "lucky" and end up with a woman who introduces you to such things, you need to have at least enough self-awareness to realize you need help with goals, boundaries, maturity, etc. and then you have to make the move to ask someone to help you attain those things.  Unfortunately, this guy is not remotely self-aware enough to even own up to the havoc his immaturity and judgment issues wreak on himself on those around him.  So, I suspect his life may become a series of very hard lessons.  Which is maybe an irony about these DD relationships versus something more vanilla.  Some may recoil from DD because it seems harsh or the consequences of breaking the rules are just too painful.  But, it is a pain with a finite start and end.  In contrast, an undisciplined lifestyle can result in all sorts of long-term pain and angst and negative personal and professional career impact. The same thing obviously applies to the overall relationship.  Lots of non-DD couples are living Thoreau's lives of "quiet desperation," grinding their way through simmering resentment and hurt feelings, while most who have tried DD report that one of the key benefits is problems are dealt with quickly, then the couple moves on.  So, do you want your pain now and all in one dose, or long and slow and grinding?

After that philosophical lead in, I'm going to go in the opposite direction for this week's topic and keep it very grounded.  TB brought up the issue of FM fiction and suggested a topic involving the best sources for it. I'll expand that a little.  Do you have favorite blogs, websites or books that have inspired or guided you when it comes to DD or FLR relationships?  I admit that most of the stuff I've found out there is pretty dreadful, to the point that I've thought about writing my own "how to" book, though I've never found the time to do it.  I don't spend a lot of time with DD-related fiction, because again I don't have a lot of free time, and I haven't found much out there that is worth the little time I have. But, I do think that  some of it can serve a purpose beyond entertainment.  I have sent a lot of DD-oriented journal entries to my wife over the years, but I've noticed that when I have sent along some DD-oriented fiction that seems to illustrate the severity or tone I wish for, she seems to respond more than when I just say it directly in a journal or even face-to-face.

Anyway, as I said, my own list is not extensive, but here are a few thoughts on resources I may not have referred to before or in awhile:
  • The "real" DWC website:
  • Spanking Life:  I recently ran across this.  The stories are a little repetitive and only some of it is DD or FLR themed, but there are a few I liked.
  • The Hesitant Mistress (this book is probably the most realistic book I've found on setting up a real world FLR)
  • The Good Wife's Guide to Taking Charge
What about you?  Are there particular blogs, websites or books that have been particularly helpful, or entertaining, for you or your spouse as you explore and experiment?

I hope you have a good week. 

Saturday, July 15, 2017

The Forum - Vol. 214 - Before the Event - Anticipation and Attitude

"I am an old man and have experienced many troubles over my life, most of which never happened." - Mark Twain (or Seneca, or Thomas Jefferson or . . .)

Hello all.  Welcome back to the Forum.  Our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or would like to be in, a Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationship.  I hope you had a good week.

Mine was one of those where I feel like I was going non-stop, yet I didn't get much done.  In some ways, I think I did accomplish some "big picture" things or at least laid the groundwork for them, but I didn't get around to a lot of the day-to-day work projects that I really need to get done.  So, another weekend may be spent catching up instead of recovering.  My own fault to some extent.

We had a good discussion last week, all extending from a fairly simple topic about spanking in front of a window.  I want to thank Tina for reminding us all that while being spanked in public may be arousing to the participants, it may not be to accidental observers.   It's a very good point that sometimes gets lost in this age of social media where everyone shares everything and just kind of assumes that others want to be exposed to it all.  While I do think my wife and I have been perhaps a little too guarded about our DD relationship, I think it is one thing to consider exposing your own family to knowledge of the fact of a DD relationship, and quite another to simply impose it on others in a very graphic and visual way.

Tina also offered several topic ideas, and Anna sent me another. Two of them kind of overlapped, focusing in one way or another on sex, eroticism or arousal in DD.  I do want to work those topics in from time to time, and this week's topic probably touches on them, but when I looked back at past topics, we had done some closely related topics fairly recently.  I do agree with the commenters who voiced supported for recycling content, but I do want to try to space things out at least a bit.  But, as I said I think this week's topic has the potential to work in those themes, as well as some bits and pieces of Tina's other suggestions.
As the title suggests, this week's topic is about what happens in our heads before the actual event of a disciplinary spanking.  To varying degrees, you all obviously have a fascination with the "idea" of a real disciplinary spanking--otherwise you wouldn't have come searching for this content or return here week after week--but what happens when the idea becomes reality in that most concrete of fashions, i.e. you did something wrong, she has ordered a spanking, and you know beyond the shadow of a doubt that it is going to happen? Is the excitement or arousal now replaced with dread?  If it's not, is that a sign that what is being delivered is not truly disciplinary or is not functioning as true punishment?  Is there also some resentment if you feel the punishment exceeds the crime, and is that a thought that would occur to you at all when you are just thinking about DD in the abstract?  In other words, don't we often say we want our Wives to be more strict, more severe, less forgiving, but then do those aspirations quickly dissipate as soon as she takes it there for real?

And what about our Disciplinary Wives?  Are they anticipating the event with some glee at the prospect of giving him what he has coming?
Or, is it more business-like?  Just rolling up her sleeves and taking care of a job that needs to be done? Or, to take that a step further and weave in another of Tina's questions, is it a somewhat annoying chore?

These themes are on my mind this morning, because last night after I got home from a business trip, she announced that I could expect a spanking some time today.  And, yes, as usual I have gone from wanting this lifestyle and wanting it more strict, more severe, more 24/7, to really wanting to avoid the whole thing.  And, that has been the entire history of our DD relationship, craving being a disciplined right up until that moment that is going to really happen.  The quote from Mark Twain above illustrates how a true DD relationship really is a little outside the norm, because while many men spend their lives worrying about all sorts of bad things that never end up happening,  we disciplined husbands may spend a good bit of time worrying about the prospect of painful events that are likely to become all too real!

I hope you all have a great week.  If you are new to this Forum, please take a moment to leave a comment in the Guestbook (tab above), telling us about your DD lifestyle or aspirations.

Saturday, July 8, 2017

The Forum - Vol. 213 - Windows and Other Embarrassments

 Man is the only animal that blushes.  Or needs to.  -- Mark Twain

 Hello all.  Welcome back to the Forum.  Our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or interested in being in, Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationships.  I hope you all had a great week.  Mine was filled with quite a bit of misbehavior.  Though, because of some family things, I doubt any of it will get the punishment it deserves.

And, once again, I'm not feeling particularly inspired.  I think at some point I'm going to have to concede that there really are only so many topics to explore when it comes to something like Domestic Discipline, and I'm going to have to either get comfortable with recycling them every week, or decide that the blog has run its natural course.  Though, some of this probably is just lack of inspiration and, honestly, laziness. But more the former than the latter, I think.  Inspiration can come and go in a flash.  This morning, I spent 30 minutes trying to come up with a topic.  Then another 30 trying to find a good quote for it. I failed in the latter, gave up, started to write, and then all of a sudden I remembered a quote I like that at least sort of fits.  Sometimes it works that way.

This week I borrowed some inspiration from one of last week's comments.  Spanked Cowboy talked about how his former disciplinarian believed firmly in spanking immediately after the offense.  If bad behavior happened in public, he was punished in public. 

Honestly, that's how it was for many of us growing up, right?  Misbehaving kids were taken out of church or parties or other gatherings where adults were present, ushered off to another room, and given enough swats to get his attention.  Everyone saw it happening.  At least when I was growing up, adults just didn't try at all to hide the fact that misbehavior led to spankings.  Teachers sent bad boys to the principal's office, and everyone knew what was happening.  Sometimes, they were just taken out of class and spanked in the hallway, where everyone could hear it going on.

Today as adults who are in consensual relationships involving corporal punishment, very few of us are subject to discipline as openly as Spanked Cowboy.  And, I wonder sometimes whether that reflects a certain lack of "reality" in the "discipline" part of DD.  If we were really trying to bring about real and lasting behavioral change, wouldn't the prospect of public humiliation be a pretty big weapon in Her disciplinary arsenal?  Wouldn't most of us be on our very best behavior every single time we were out with her in public if we knew the alternative might be to be ushered off to another room for a spanking that everyone could overhear?

But, what about something where the risk of someone overhearing is not 100%, but still enough to crank up the embarrassment and humiliation factor?  A few days ago, I was going through my collection of spanking-related art and "tagging" by subject or theme to make it more easily searchable by subject, and I started noticing just how prevalent the theme is of being spanked in front of an open window or door.

While some of the prevalence probably is attributable simply to the artistic choice to include a window in a bedroom scene, others definitely play up the semi-public nature of a spanking given at home but in front of a window or door that might allow someone else to see.  And, for at least some of the people who are into this lifestyle, the combination of domestic setting but openness to public exposure seemed to be part of the attraction. For example, the Disciplinary Wives Club's website displayed a drawing of a "peeping tom" witnessing a domestic spanking scene.

And, it's not like a full-blown spanking is required to raise the prospect of public or semi-public humiliation in an FLR relationship.  A lecture could be more than sufficient in displaying to the neighbors who is in charge.
Do those kinds of scenes play any role in your DD or FLR relationship?  Are you ever spanked in front of an open window or other semi-private place that still might allow a neighbor or curious passer-by to see what is going on?  If not a part of the reality of your DD or FLR relationship, should it be?  Would the threat make you more likely to behave?

I hope you all have a great week.  If you are new to this Forum, please take a moment to visit our Guestbook and tell us a little about yourself and your DD or FLR relationship.

Friday, June 30, 2017

The Forum - Vol. 212 - Decisions, Decisions

"He may have a second rate intellect, but he has a first class temperament." Oliver Wendell Holmes on Theodore Roosevelt

Hello all.  Welcome back to the Forum.  Our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or interested in being in, Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationships.  I hope you had a good week.

We didn't get a huge number of posts last week, but lack of volume is sometimes offset by depth of feeling. Whenever we touch on issues regarding public exposure or what our kids (adult or otherwise) should know, it seems to be bring out very firm opinions.  Me?  I'm still on the fence. But, it doesn't really matter.   If ours come to know, it will only be because my wife decides to tell them.  Or, because they already know and have, up until now, spared us the embarrassment of telling us about it.  Only time will tell.

Anna also made a comment about the constraints of talking about only one topic each week, and I don't disagree.  Having one particular topic--and having to be the guy coming up with it each week--is definitely constraining for all concerned.  Though, it's a problem I don't quite know how to solve, other than being flexible when people drift off into things that aren't precisely "on topic."  (I have made the decision, however, that I am not going to put up with it any more when a couple of OCD posters feel compelled to comment every week but have nothing at all to actually say, so they instead leave repetitive comments that are the communicative equivalents of a masturbatory fart.  I'm just taking those down, even if peripherally on-topic, because the commenters are playing this cute game where the first sentence may seem on-topic, then they launch right into their mother-in-law, spanked in front of her friends, facing the wall, leg-locked, little fantasy scenario.  Not putting up with that anymore.)  But, if someone has something truly communicative they want to talk about, I'll usually either let it go, or if it is way off-topic but would be a good one to explore, I'll suggest deferring to the following week, at which time I'll devote a full-blown topic to it.  Admittedly, that strategy is self-preservation at play, because it means I have one less thing to struggle over on Saturday morning as I look at a blank screen. But, I do sometimes get tired of the topical format in its entirety, and I do think about something like a Facebook group or a moderated discussion group for our more regular and productive commenters.  Something where anyone can post a topic and people can use a chat session to talk real-time, would probably be preferable, but I can't quite figure out the practicalities.  Something more like a "club" than a "forum." But, Facebook makes it very hard for people to post anonymously or even to post using accounts with pseudonym identities, and many of us just aren't willing to "out" ourselves to Facebook as a condition of using the service.  I also have been a member of a couple of on-line discussion groups, but running one usually requires some kind of payment for the software or hosting, which again leads to a loss of anonymity at least for the moderator.  So, I am open to all suggestions, but right now I can't come up with anything much better than the current format. 

Now, on to today's actual topic.  In addition to things regarding our family being in a bit of a state of flux, we've been dealing with some issues around life choices.  Nothing earth shattering yet, but we're coming up on that time of life when you may hit a fork in the road and need to make some conscious decisions about which one to walk down.  And, truth be told, currently we are not entirely on the same page.  That has me thinking a bit more than normal about decisions and how we make them in a DD or FLR relationship.  Now, I have never had much use for the notion of female supremacy.  I think some men are good leaders and make good decisions. Others, not so much.  The same is true of women.  I know some who are naturally good leaders who make great decisions for themselves and those around them. For others, it is a learned skill. And, some just kind of suck at it.  I don't think either gender has a monopoly on wisdom.  

I will now offend the female supremacists in the group to the core, by saying boldly that my wife is not a better decision-maker than I.  At least not consistently and in all respects.  If anything, I'm more rigorous and systematic in analyzing issues and coming to decisions on appropriate actions.  But, in some ways that's a result more of experience and confidence than aptitude.  Preparing for my career involved a lot of training in thinking things through in a very ordered way.  And, I have to make a lot of decisions every day.  It's kind of my stock-in-trade, as it were.  

On the other hand, I tend to get in trouble because while I am analytical, I also am temperamental and stubborn, and those qualities can overcome my better judgment.  And, I just do dumb and dangerous things sometimes.  For those reasons, it still makes a lot of sense for my wife to be at the top of our chain-of-command, at least in a lot of areas.  Because, she has a better temperament than I, and one that is less prone to doing dumb shitBut, we both recognize that when it comes to actually stepping up and taking the lead on making decisions for us,  she needs practice.  While she kind of likes the feel of being in charge once she does it, she doesn't always like thinking about that decision being hers to make. The conditioned need to get buy-in from me and others gets in the way of decisive leadership.  And, there no doubt are some conventional social roles at play.  Especially on "big ticket" issues. So, I have from time to time kind of forced her down that learning curve.  

A year or so ago, about the time we started really exploring FLR, she needed a new car.  Now, I am guessing it is fair to say that buying cars is still seen as the man's job in many, many families.  We get the pain of wrangling with the dealer over price, and just as we are patting ourselves on the back for striking a great deal, we get shuffled off to the finance guy who somehow hypnotizes us into buying the upgraded floor mats and that super-special undercoating.  It's an inherently competitive, adversarial, zero-sum game in many ways.  Well, this time, I decided it was her car, and she should get the experience of choosing and negotiating it all by herself, and if she was going to claim to be the Head of the Household, she needed to learn to get a little more comfortable with confrontation.  She was fairly pissed at me for refusing to weigh in on any part of the process, but she did a great job. In fact, she drove a hell of a lot harder bargain than I would have!

We both also have areas we like handling and others we don't.  So, my wife handles most of our bank accounts, but I handle most of our investments.  She pays the credit card bills, while I make most of the decisions on things like household repairs.  We both kind of like it this way, and even after DD and FLR we never really came to any formal allocation of decision-making roles, instead just kind of drifting into areas where we each have more interest and competence.  Even on kid issues, we tend to divide and conquer.  She makes a lot of the decisions involving day-to-day kid issues, while I handle how we manage their college funds, and I'm pretty active in helping advise them on how to succeed in school.  And, most big decisions are made jointly to one extent or another.  

If anything has changed since implementing DD and experimenting with an FLR, it is really the "chain of command" concept.  It an effective chain of command, the person at the top does not make every decision, but they are the final decision-maker.  They get to break ties.  If there is a dispute, they win.  We aren't perfectly consistent in applying the concept, but it is what we are aiming for.

How about you?  Does your DD or FLR relationship involve some actual allocation of decision-making authority?  Does she take on more of the decisions than she did before you went down this path?  If there is a tie, who wins?  If she has taken on more decision-making authority, has that proven to be a a relief or a burden? 
And, when it comes to discipline and punishment, is there any discussion about if, when and how it will take place, or is that totally up to her to decide?

I hope you have a great week.  Be safe out there on this long holiday weekend.